When will I ever start thinking for myself?

Guess I threw myself into the thick of it now. Currently, I'm trying to keep up some form of skill in 3 1v1 games: Street Fighter 4, Soulcalibur 4 and Virtual On: Oratorio Tangram. Not to mention that I'm STILL working on my Megaman Zero 2 100 point hard mode run and I picked up Raiden Fighters Aces, which is 3 shmups with some heavy memorization required to score high. I really want to give the new Bionic Commando a whirl when it gets released but I don't think I'll be able to try it soon, at least on the week of release.

Time isn't the problem though. With a part time job and no school, I have even more time to spend on any hobby compared to a high school student. All I need to do is work on my piss poor motivation and I can spend every moment improving instead of wondering why I'm so horrible despite having so much spare time to put in the hours. But I repeat myself, time isn't the problem. Motivation and self-esteem, slightly.

The main problem is one that also reflects upon my personality, and that is I fail to hold any original thoughts inside my mind. It's so painful to see myself having to be hand held through everything I do, whether I need help setting up some merchandise at work or looking up forums to find general strategies for characters in a fighting game. I simply cannot figure out things fast enough to be of any use to anyone or myself.

And whenever I copy something to use into my game, I am left with the tainted aura of whomever discovered the tactic first. And I obviously won't know the entireties of said tactic. While I continue to struggle trying to use this tactic, other people will have already developed defenses against it. If I ever master the execution of this single tactic, someone else will have already invented a bigger and better one.

Even with Raiden Fighters Aces, I find myself going straight for the scoring strategies that have taken people lots of time and work. And I haven't watched a replay yet, but I'm sure I will in a few days time when I hit another pathetic plateau. Once again, even if I copy every single detail in a superplay, I'll never be able to beat that score.

I never have anything interesting to say in a conversation, simply 'cause I don't have an opinion of my own. If I'm put on the spot to speak my mind, I usually just regurgitate whatever I have read popular opinion to be. Is Raphael mid-tier? He must be, such and such said he has these options to attack with but has these flaws. Is 9/11 a conspiracy? Yeah probably, there's all this evidence and that people found that point to it and stuff.

Maybe I should just resign myself to that fate that my intellect is severely limited and I can't ever hope to achieve anything, even if I work really hard at it. I'm just a stepping stone, a human that only serves to elevate another human's status. There are quite a lot of those, I'm sure. Of course, I can opt to fight the futile fight or just give up and know my place. Either way, I lack the power to change anything in this world.