Guess I threw myself into the thick of it now. Currently, I'm trying to keep up some form of skill in 3 1v1 games: Street Fighter 4, Soulcalibur 4 and Virtual On: Oratorio Tangram. Not to mention that I'm STILL working on my Megaman Zero 2 100 point hard mode run and I picked up Raiden Fighters Aces, which is 3 shmups with some heavy memorization required to score high. I really want to give the new Bionic Commando a whirl when it gets released but I don't think I'll be able to try it soon, at least on the week of release.
Time isn't the problem though. With a part time job and no school, I have even more time to spend on any hobby compared to a high school student. All I need to do is work on my piss poor motivation and I can spend every moment improving instead of wondering why I'm so horrible despite having so much spare time to put in the hours. But I repeat myself, time isn't the problem. Motivation and self-esteem, slightly.
The main problem is one that also reflects upon my personality, and that is I fail to hold any original thoughts inside my mind. It's so painful to see myself having to be hand held through everything I do, whether I need help setting up some merchandise at work or looking up forums to find general strategies for characters in a fighting game. I simply cannot figure out things fast enough to be of any use to anyone or myself.
And whenever I copy something to use into my game, I am left with the tainted aura of whomever discovered the tactic first. And I obviously won't know the entireties of said tactic. While I continue to struggle trying to use this tactic, other people will have already developed defenses against it. If I ever master the execution of this single tactic, someone else will have already invented a bigger and better one.
Even with Raiden Fighters Aces, I find myself going straight for the scoring strategies that have taken people lots of time and work. And I haven't watched a replay yet, but I'm sure I will in a few days time when I hit another pathetic plateau. Once again, even if I copy every single detail in a superplay, I'll never be able to beat that score.
I never have anything interesting to say in a conversation, simply 'cause I don't have an opinion of my own. If I'm put on the spot to speak my mind, I usually just regurgitate whatever I have read popular opinion to be. Is Raphael mid-tier? He must be, such and such said he has these options to attack with but has these flaws. Is 9/11 a conspiracy? Yeah probably, there's all this evidence and that people found that point to it and stuff.
Maybe I should just resign myself to that fate that my intellect is severely limited and I can't ever hope to achieve anything, even if I work really hard at it. I'm just a stepping stone, a human that only serves to elevate another human's status. There are quite a lot of those, I'm sure. Of course, I can opt to fight the futile fight or just give up and know my place. Either way, I lack the power to change anything in this world.
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Wow I see this and I immediately think of my negative self... I mean I'm not going to go in to the details of it because I'm not really privey to it right now.. But I guess with the whole gumption thing, and motivation to do something that is your own.. I mean like I've sort of been there and I am there from time to time, and it seems that no one I know really knows where I'm coming from. Maybe the problem is something physical (not enough testosterone) like I have a problem with my ear which makes it so when i try to talk to people, they might be inclined to think i'm a retard because its painful to speak at certain frequencies (No one would understand it) and where i used to work at a tax place, I would have people walk out on me because they sensed incompetence... Well either way.. Like there are groups of friends that will judge you for who you are, or try to hold you to a higher standard, but most people don't care about how good you are at stuff. Like people want to see you develop your social/ intellectual skills, (and everyone i know HATES work) but nobody wants to see an ineffectual struggle, work at it and don't be too hard on yourself because the people that are really good at video games or whatever are often slaves just like everybody else just in a different way i guess.... Oh yeah a lot of people really take offense when I give them advice.... but I don't care thats how i feel and bla bla bla.... P.S. email me if you wanna talk because I'm always up to listen, just not actually that in to the random video game things because I only get in to video games sometimes??? ok bye! BTW my EMAIL IS Speeddemonec@aol.com
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