In search of a sad soul

Sadness, hate, future, growth...bah, sorry to make it sound like I was going to write something profound but I guess I felt like I had to try. Whatever. It looks like I have come to a decision. That darkness I felt last week...I want to feel it again. I need to experience it again. Whether it's a negative or positive emotion, it must be the most intense one I've ever felt in my life.

It seems to lay dormant for most of the time, but then manages to break out with full force at usually unexpected moments of my life. The two previously described examples in my last entry were in Soulcalibur 4 tournament matches. Other times that it has happened were during social and celebratory events. And this intense feeling can overcome me when I'm alone, whether it's at night time on a weekend and I'm the only one at home, or by simply going to bed while trying to absorb the events of that day.

I wonder why I'm trying to seek out something that causes me pain and suffering that I've never felt before. Maybe it's because I really believe it, that I buy into the punishment that I deserve for leading such a pathetic life. I could also be looking for an answer for some sort of possible question that is buried within my subconscious. And also, deep inside I feel as if this intensity is a key to my personal growth as a human being. Probably not, but I can settle for the pain instead.

So, I decided that I won't quit fighting games. I do find them fun despite being so brainless and irreflexive. This coming Saturday is going to be another SC4 tourney with the SF crowd. Looks like there are a ton of people coming, especially now that the venue is at a sports bar in the Scarborough area. It's definitely gonna be a good time, and maybe I can find that intensity lying in wait for me there. I wonder if I can handle it this time...

And if I don't encounter that feeling, there's always alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!