Kyper's Hyper Zone

Determination...my will wanes under pressure. My drive is fleeting...

2009-08-28T16:26:00.004-04:00

If it were only a few years in the past from now, I would be dreading the end of my summer break and the beginning of another school year. Heh, although for a slacker like me though, my free time doesn't end with the break. But I didn't really improve myself in those years with the experiences I had. I probably shouldn't be calling them experiences anyway, more like observations. Anyway...

Into the here and now. Summer break is nearing the end for most people. Not that I've realized it just now, but taking note of this little detail reminds me of how poorly I spend my time. Well, I know that perhaps one does not need to spend every moment improving one's self but I know I should be improving my current situation. And this is right about where that crappy opening paragraph setting the atmosphere about school kicks in. Sort of.

After my horrendous experience with that lame school that shan't be spoken of in this blog entry and failing to start a career, going to a 'real' school would seem to be one of my more desired options. But it didn't really catch on, as I did not feel like my chosen field, or any field at all, was interesting to pursue. And I wasn't competent, of course. Besides that, I still can't decide whether school is the right action to take.

I sized up this option as best I could and came to a few concluding thoughts, mainly about how determined I am to see to the end whatever I decide to major in. I know I'd definitely improve myself by going to school, but I feel that, given enough will and determination, I should be able to reach a satisfactory skill level in anything without the aid of school. That's when I made the decision that I'll only go back to school if I ever lose the drive for learning, for improving upon myself.

I can try and dabble in a few things at first, and then go all out if I feel the desire to reach a certain level. Like right now, I'm trying to learn to play another song on the piano, the Ruins theme from Brandish, a Nihon Falcom game. Maybe I'll learn more music theory if I feel up to the task. I might also try my hand again at drawn, and I need to improve other 'practical' skills such as cooking. It's embarrassing to have burned a side of steak...

But I also need to think about whether I want to start a career. Working at Best Buy is decent, especially since I don't really care about money. I know it isn't too fulfilling work and I sometimes feel I should carve a future for myself elsewhere. A career doesn't sound enticing to me however, as my interests seem to wane and wax with the moon. Of course, the only consistent thing throughout my life would have to be video games.

Well, maybe tournaments have the most potential to bring out the most in me. I have to take advantage and try to gain something, right now I don't think I'm doing all I can to improve. There's going to be a tourney in SF4 and KoFXII in Mississauga tomorrow (G3Evolution's Infinity HYPE I, get hype dammit!). I definitely did not train properly, and I still don't have my name out there in the Toronto community in the least bit. And then on Monday is the Shmup forums' yearly STGT, Shooting Game Tournament. Can't wait for that! I just need to get some drive...

In search of a sad soul

2009-06-18T02:02:00.005-04:00

Sadness, hate, future, growth...bah, sorry to make it sound like I was going to write something profound but I guess I felt like I had to try. Whatever. It looks like I have come to a decision. That darkness I felt last week...I want to feel it again. I need to experience it again. Whether it's a negative or positive emotion, it must be the most intense one I've ever felt in my life.

It seems to lay dormant for most of the time, but then manages to break out with full force at usually unexpected moments of my life. The two previously described examples in my last entry were in Soulcalibur 4 tournament matches. Other times that it has happened were during social and celebratory events. And this intense feeling can overcome me when I'm alone, whether it's at night time on a weekend and I'm the only one at home, or by simply going to bed while trying to absorb the events of that day.

I wonder why I'm trying to seek out something that causes me pain and suffering that I've never felt before. Maybe it's because I really believe it, that I buy into the punishment that I deserve for leading such a pathetic life. I could also be looking for an answer for some sort of possible question that is buried within my subconscious. And also, deep inside I feel as if this intensity is a key to my personal growth as a human being. Probably not, but I can settle for the pain instead.

So, I decided that I won't quit fighting games. I do find them fun despite being so brainless and irreflexive. This coming Saturday is going to be another SC4 tourney with the SF crowd. Looks like there are a ton of people coming, especially now that the venue is at a sports bar in the Scarborough area. It's definitely gonna be a good time, and maybe I can find that intensity lying in wait for me there. I wonder if I can handle it this time...

And if I don't encounter that feeling, there's always alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!

Tears and Hate

2009-06-07T13:50:00.003-04:00

Alright, so yesterday there was another Soulcalibur 4 tourney. I didn't really feel particularly pumped up or anything this time 'round, for whatever reason. Maybe it's because I've been into Virtual On and Raiden Fighters Aces instead. Maybe I was a little stressed out from work. Whatever the reason was, I walked into that familiar building wondering what I was doing there. Was I really there to waste my time and money yet again?

When I entered, the first noticeable thing was the noise level. After the release of Street Fighter 4 on consoles, this place was also running SF4 tournies, which of course has a truckload of participants. Not this time though, as Dino had made this a strictly SC4 event. The lost peacefulness of before was to be lost again though as people soon trickled in a few moments later to play some casual games in the back room.

So, we were warming up as usual, obviously so that we would be ready for the real thing and to pass the time as the rest of the participants arrived. Pretty soon, it's my turn. I haven't played the game in about 2 weeks, but I still know how to use Raphael like before. Unfortunately for me, that means all I know is to run old patterns, which would definitely mean another 0 win-2 loss result under my belt. So be it then, I'm simply getting what I deserve.

Time takes its course and the first round of matches begin. Mine is against Ember, whom I've faced a couple of times before, and I have a fair amount of experience against Xianghua in general. The last times against her, I won without difficulty once, then I struggled but came out on top in our next encounter. This time, I was to lose. I've lost a hell of a lot in these SC4 tournaments, having about 10 or more 0 win-2 loss results on my record. But this time, I was dragged into a downward spiral, much worse than what I've ever felt before.

The first match of the set was close, it went to the final round and she took the win. That's fine, I told myself, I just have to step it up now. But then, something overcame me. It's hard to describe for me, but I guess the closest thing is helplessness. Helplessness and self-hate. Why am I struggling so hard just to keep up? Do I really think I have a chance?

I was having a hard time thinking about my next move, and it got worse when some SF4 players came from the back room and started to cheer Ember on. Heh, I know that it was all out of fun to cheer on the female player, but during the match, I felt a peculiar anger and sadness flow through me. I had to keep myself from nearly shouting at the SF4 onlookers to shut the hell up and let me play my goddamned match, and I could feel depression from the fact that while everyone has been improving their game, I'm still stuck running my stupid patterns that I've had since the game came out.

It's harsh to see people adding new elements to their game while I remain in the dust. Ember had obviously re-enforced X's basics, Jeff's X had a couple of new combos and Oofmatic had added a few elements to Darth Vader's ring out game. It's also harsh to see a newcomer like Eli and his Ivy to be much better than I am in a much shorter duration of playing the game. But that's reality, my reality.

Is it possible to feel both hate and tears at the same time? It must be, 'cause I just did. Another pathetic performance as expected, I remember telling myself during the match. Stop trying to control things that you were not meant to control. Stop struggling and just let go. JUST LET GO. After such a long time, if you haven't improved, then why prolong your suffering? This is reality, know your place. You're too stupid to formulate your own attack patterns, lack the proper reflexes to see easy i1000 lows, and worst of all you haven't learned a damn thing. Keep mashing those buttons you scrub, you are only worth the $5 entry fee and nothing else!

And so I let go of it. When the second match of the set started, I let my control slip away. Just step guard, BB, AB, throw here and there, and so on. I fought hard, not to give a good match, but to hold my tears back from running down my face. I wonder if anyone could tell that I gave up. The match was recorded and the video will be posted soon. Obviously if I watched it, I could tell that I gave up and I could feel those feelings well up inside me again. But if anyone else watched it, I'm sure they'd congratulate Ember and wouldn't notice it. Heh, that's probably the best result I could hope for then.

The match was over and I uncomfortably sauntered to the back part of the room to let the next set of people to play their match. I had to hold back my tears as my mind raced, trying to comprehend what happened during those long 3 minutes of the second match. I've had these feelings of this intensity before, against Cha Cha during the Toronto regionals, and he just happened to be using X as well heh. It feels good to just let go. I don't have any power, never did and never will.

I glanced at the piece of paper that had the tournament bracket print-out. I was to play either Oofmatic or Stryder, whomever lost this match. I remember Dino said 'sorry about that' or something along those lines. Sorry about what, I instantly thought to myself. Once again, that's my reality, so man up and face the truth.

That's when I made the decision to lead off with Amy against the eventual loser of that match, Stryder. It's not quite clear to me why I did that. Heh, part of it was spite of course; spiting people is fun, even if it doesn't draw much of a reaction. The main reason though was that I was sick and tired of these constant losses. I was not good enough to use a character like Raphael. I've seen a lot of Amy in play though, and I was surprised that I even knew her setups and the notations for her attacks. Of course my execution would be ass and I'd still lose, but at least I had found a character who would suit my brainless pattern playstyle.

I know that there's a little 'joke respect' issue with Amy players. Some people simply don't respect them, especially the Raph players. But my thoughts drew me to cast off this notion. Fuck respect, I told myself. What good is it from others if I don't even respect myself for being such a piece of shit player? How about winning instead? I'm sure I'd get more respect if I beat a top player instead of sticking with Raph and losing, even if those wins were with Amy. Besides, I xcopied all my Raph crap so I might as well xcopy something that'll work, and even better that one of the strongest Toronto players, STD, uses Amy.

Enough of this dancing around with Raph. I want victory, I want power, I thought to myself. Of course, when the match with Stryder began, my Amy was shot down in the first match effortlessly. I was surprised to have even won a round. Still demoralized from before but recovering slowly, I switched back to Raph and let my expected loss flow naturally.

Time passes. I remember just sitting in place for the rest of the tourney, watching with slight disinterest while still trying to hold back my tears. My brain was broken. It's clear as crystal that I'm simply not good enough to compete in fighting games, no matter how much I enjoy them, how much I enjoy the idea of two people giving it their all to their eventual win or loss, while having a good time doing it. I can't even do that, I simply fall behind and can barely keep up while everyone sooner or later becomes a super god-tier player. Maybe it was time to quit fighting games for good.

But then I was faced with a decision which I haven't made up to this point in time. If I quit, then I might have regrets. But if I stay, there is a good chance that I will never improve and will always feel these feelings until I do quit for good. And there's that paper-thin chance that I could actually get some skill...hmph, like that's ever going to happen.

I still had to hold back tears as I headed home. My thoughts soon grew past SC4 and to other games. How about Virtual On? I have a 1:2 win/loss ratio, and most of those wins were against players who were either goofing off or new to the game. Or what about Raiden Fighters? I had to put in 50 hours just to get 32 million points in RF1, and that put me in first place on the Xbox North America leaderboards. But then the guy below me probably just scratched his head one day after seeing that I was on top and then effortlessly beats my score after 1 credit.

Soon after, my thoughts drifted to my future. I work at Best Buy, which doesn't really have much of an opportunity for growth. I'd need to go to school, but I don't really have any interests, nor would I be willing to do the hard work that would be required; I am a slacker. I don't have many talents or any redeeming attributes, except for maybe my average memory. I can't drive, cook, or do many things that many other humans can. Most of all, I can't learn on the level like many other humans do. And learning knowledge and skills is a key point of being a human, which I lack...

When I get home, I flopped on my couch in the living room. Luckily, no one was home. After holding it back for so long, I let my tears flow down my cheeks. I tried to laugh at myself, at my insignificant existence on this planet, in this weak body, with this feeble mind. I remember hearing something not quite resembling laughter, but rather short bursts of breath that sounded like someone with a poor respiratory system.

Just another day...nothing gained, nothing learned...

When will I ever start thinking for myself?

2009-05-15T20:49:00.002-04:00

Guess I threw myself into the thick of it now. Currently, I'm trying to keep up some form of skill in 3 1v1 games: Street Fighter 4, Soulcalibur 4 and Virtual On: Oratorio Tangram. Not to mention that I'm STILL working on my Megaman Zero 2 100 point hard mode run and I picked up Raiden Fighters Aces, which is 3 shmups with some heavy memorization required to score high. I really want to give the new Bionic Commando a whirl when it gets released but I don't think I'll be able to try it soon, at least on the week of release.

Time isn't the problem though. With a part time job and no school, I have even more time to spend on any hobby compared to a high school student. All I need to do is work on my piss poor motivation and I can spend every moment improving instead of wondering why I'm so horrible despite having so much spare time to put in the hours. But I repeat myself, time isn't the problem. Motivation and self-esteem, slightly.

The main problem is one that also reflects upon my personality, and that is I fail to hold any original thoughts inside my mind. It's so painful to see myself having to be hand held through everything I do, whether I need help setting up some merchandise at work or looking up forums to find general strategies for characters in a fighting game. I simply cannot figure out things fast enough to be of any use to anyone or myself.

And whenever I copy something to use into my game, I am left with the tainted aura of whomever discovered the tactic first. And I obviously won't know the entireties of said tactic. While I continue to struggle trying to use this tactic, other people will have already developed defenses against it. If I ever master the execution of this single tactic, someone else will have already invented a bigger and better one.

Even with Raiden Fighters Aces, I find myself going straight for the scoring strategies that have taken people lots of time and work. And I haven't watched a replay yet, but I'm sure I will in a few days time when I hit another pathetic plateau. Once again, even if I copy every single detail in a superplay, I'll never be able to beat that score.

I never have anything interesting to say in a conversation, simply 'cause I don't have an opinion of my own. If I'm put on the spot to speak my mind, I usually just regurgitate whatever I have read popular opinion to be. Is Raphael mid-tier? He must be, such and such said he has these options to attack with but has these flaws. Is 9/11 a conspiracy? Yeah probably, there's all this evidence and that people found that point to it and stuff.

Maybe I should just resign myself to that fate that my intellect is severely limited and I can't ever hope to achieve anything, even if I work really hard at it. I'm just a stepping stone, a human that only serves to elevate another human's status. There are quite a lot of those, I'm sure. Of course, I can opt to fight the futile fight or just give up and know my place. Either way, I lack the power to change anything in this world.

Swift Strike

2009-03-31T20:12:00.003-04:00

I'm still amazed by how the passage of time progresses so rapidly. Is it nearly April already? The sun is clearly shining in the daytime, but cold winds are still blowing though the open city streets. I hope I can enjoy the months of the new season.

As usual, another wasted minute becomes another wasted hour, day, week, et cetera. Even if I grew slowly but surely, it wouldn't be so bad, but right now it looks like all aspects of my life are severely imbalanced. At my workplace, I'm not doing too hot. I thought I would be satisfied when I heard I would be working in the merchandising department. It was all morning shifts so I could enjoy the day and it doesn't involve selling any products or services at all. Basically it was the department who did all the grunt work, moving product out onto the shelves, hauling overstocked items up top, and the like.

Getting up for 6 AM shifts didn't bother me, but after about a month of doing this stuff, I find myself growing increasingly unhappy. Heh, maybe it's 'cause selling stuff also had the upside of doing nothing when the floor's devoid of people. And it's nice to converse with co-workers and customers alike for a little while. Yup, balance is key...

My gaming skills aren't getting better. According to the play time counter, I took more than 25 hours to complete Resident Evil 5. I heard a couple of people saying they beat it in a weekend, so I guess I'm doing something wrong. Of course it didn't help that this was my first RE game and I started on Veteran difficulty. And halfway through my ongoing playthrough, I found RE5 to be a little boring and nearly lost the desire to go on. But I managed to overcome that strange feeling and found the game enjoyable overall.

I think I had one of those days...sometimes I just get a bout of depression and lose the will to do anything, especially gaming. I wonder where it stems from. I've always had some strange thoughts, like a different personality was to emerge from me. I look at my parents and see many similarities with my mother and father, and I look at myself to see what is truly inside me. But I can't find a definite answer. So I just continue being pathetic because it's all I know.

And sometimes, I'll get a burst of motivation which I hope could last longer or at least be more intensified then it is right now. There's another Soulcalibur 4 and Street Fighter 4 dual tourney coming up. My performance was pretty piss poor, and something inside of me wants vengeance. Not against my opponents though, but against myself. I'll try to make this one different, even if the result is the same.

Finally, I gotta get back to my Megaman Zero 2 run. It doesn't seem too bad with the double damage, it simply means I need to practice more in order to do a near-perfect no hit run, heh. Just gotta get into that groove...

Another step toward mediocrity

2009-02-28T22:40:00.000-05:00

Another wasted month spent in the retail industry by another wasted lower-end lifeform. Although I know a job does not define nor establish a person, I am not one to get in the way of so-called fate. Maybe I am pretty powerless, but I do believe that I have enough power to change what lies beyond for myself. I'm simply not motivated and I am not stressed out by my current circumstances. Even if I am viewed as a loser by others and even my inner self, I do not feel any pressure.

I can't quite find the words for it, but I guess the best way to describe it is accepting fate. I don't like to think the future is predetermined or that anyone is destined for anything, but we can only see so far into our current path. At this moment, I am unable to think about any beneficial choices I can make to 'improve' my life as society would see fit.

School? Don't think so. I believe learning is important, yes, but I don't feel motivated to focus on studying a single subject (heh, I'm not too keen on motivation anyway). And although it might be satisfying to gather all that knowledge, there's no guarantee that I will be able to apply it to something society deems useful. And why do I have to decide on one thing? I don't even know what I want to be, I know I just want to 'be', even if without meaning.

I'd just like to sit back and observe the world. Travelling and seeing new sights would be nice, but I find simply being to see from this soul's unique point of view is enough for me. Journalism might sit well with me, as I do like writing a fair amount. My technical writing skills just need some polish, but I'm quite worried about having an insightful opinion. Actually, forget about being insightful, I just need an opinion, heh.

I've always found myself enjoying other people's opinions and rants, though. Misinformed, inflamed, wise, sincere, professional, casual, et cetera. Even when I know little to nothing of the subject at hand, I almost always find the statements of their opinions interesting, as well as the possible discussion that follows. Damn, there's gotta be some money in that! Heh...

Anyway, enough of this. As usual, not too much has been happening in my life. I started to try lockpicking with a simple 5-pin doorknob lock I bought. I was successful in picking it after a few hours. It's quite a challenging hobby, that's for sure. I think there's enough material online for me to advance my knowledge, but I just need motivation of course! And maybe a few practice locks.

Street Fighter 4! Looks like I've decided on my main and secondary, Vega/claw and Cammy. It's quite a step up in the execution department, with combo links that require strict timing and such. The mindgames are there as with Soulcalibur 4, they simply look different though. But I'm quite worried about execution 'cause what good is a strategy or a bread and butter combo if ya can't put it into action? I really want something to replace Microsoft's 360 'pad'. I pre-ordered a pad from EB games but it still hasn't arrived yet. Though, I had a strange encounter with a Youtube commenter. Also a programmer extraordinare, this person offered to sell me a custom stick. I hope I can get that, all the 360 Hori RAPs I see are $250+ CAD!

EVO announced that SC4 is going to be in their list of games, and naturally, everyone's all hyped up about that! The Toronto players are no exception, and even a certain low-tier player would definitely enjoy heading down with the crowd. And it's in Vegas as well, which should be an interesting locale to visit. I just don't know if I should actually be travelling when I clearly don't have the skill to compete at a high level...

Another year, another...DirectX? Uh yeah, I guess that'll work.

2009-01-30T11:54:00.000-05:00

Yet another month, yet another day, no end in sight, nothing significant to say. Where am I going from here and when will I get there? How the hell should I know and why the hell should I care? Heh...

Looks like I got past the seasonal contract date with Best Buy and now am a part time worker there. The job's not bad and the pay's decent. Now if I only knew what to make of my financial status, now that I actually have one. Money tends to complicate things, which is probably why I'm rather loose with it. I might have to actually figure out how to do taxes now and any investment options I can take. Hopefully it won't be too painful.

I'm wondering if I should go back to school though, or at least take a second look at the computer science/video game design field I abandoned. Yeah the International Academy of Design is a painful memory, and the job hunt was fruitless. But coding was something I enjoyed, even though I obviously wasn't very good. I'm still with Phase 3 but I haven't been motivated to do any work, which might lead me to believe that I have turned my back on a career in said field. But when a former classmate and good friend approaches me to do a small project on an iPhone, I feel ready and willing to learn to work with the Mac platform. Heh, maybe it's just the poor management at P3, which is also one of the reasons I've avoided logging onto MSN Messenger recently.

Whatever the case may be, I don't think I've quit on it just yet. But at the same time, I also find it hard to get into other things. I was attempting to learn the art of lockpicking. Having received the necessary materials to get me started, I find myself not actually starting to learn, one of the main reasons being that I don't know where to start. I mean, there's loads of info on the next, forums, etc., but I don't see a definite starting point. Maybe I just need more motivation. A book would probably help. I don't want any formal training yet though, I want to see how far I can get.

I finished my Megaman Zero 100 point hard mode run in mid December. It's about time, huh? After months of failure, it's done. And the cycle will soon repeat itself with MMZ2. I think I'll be starting on that maybe mid-February at the latest. Maybe I won't succumb to shaky nerves this time, now that I know what to expect when undertaking such a task.

Having only played the last game in the series, Onimusha: Dawn of Dreams, I've also picked up the Onimusha essentials collection. I finished the first game and I'm nearly done the second it seems, but I probably won't play the Critical/Issen mode at first. Can't wait to get started on the third one, after glancing at the box art to see that one of the characters is modelled after Jean Reno! Hahaha, that's awesome! What's not awesome though is my failure to do issens...

Still playing Soulcalibur 4 and sucking (blood) with Raph. Having participated at the Toronto regionals, it's painfully clear that I will not improve any more than I am right now. No amount of theory or casual matches will fix this. And what's even worse is that I dislike playing online, which could also be stunting my growth as a player.

Oh well, I still like fighting games anyway. Like 'em enough to try my hand at Street Fighter 4. I don't know if I'll be dedicated to that game as I am with SC4. It doesn't look like I will though, seeing as how I could be playing it at Lovegety Station but I'm not. Well, it is a pain to get there without a car 'cause public transportation leaves you at a fair distance from there.

Best Buy Media department, how can I help you...?

2008-12-11T00:49:00.000-05:00

Missed an update in November, but it's not like anything interesting happened of course. All that happened was that I started working at Best Buy near the end of the month. Yup, I finally introduced myself to the wonderful world of retail...I've heard stories about some people who want to evade its everlasting grasp. At first, it didn't seem too bad, but now with only 2 actual weeks of working after my job training, it may not be the best place for personal growth.

For people that are looking for challenges, being the best they can be and all that good stuff, well, retail probably isn't the place to be. From my limited experience there, you don't really learn much of anything besides how the store operates. I'm working in the Media section, for example, and that includes movies, music, games, and other various appliances like microwaves and phones. But one necessarily doesn't need to know jack shit about any item. Product knowledge can be virtually non-existent and you could still accomplish most of the job if you know how the store operates. I am simplifying fair amount though; I would assume the computer guys would know the basic parts of a computer. But, going back to my scatter-brained train of thought...

If you didn't know what the basic features of a Playstation 3 are, for example, you'd simply ask a co-worker and maybe in the future, do a little research, maybe even just a Wikipedia article. I guess that would be one way of learning, of personal growth. Unfortunately, that's more or less the only way I see how one can further his or her knowledge of anything. Once you start getting experience with the computer system, where everything is placed in the store, et cetera, you don't get a lot of personal skill development out of it. All you get is the satisfaction of satisfying a customer. I'm sure helping people could be all that a person could be seeking in their ideal job, but for the more ambitious people, I'm sure there are ways to help others as well as yourself. Unless you think helping others helps yourself or whatnot...heh, I guess retail is just right for altruists.

Maybe retail is the perfect industry for unambitious slackers such as myself. It certainly doesn't make me tired compared to general labour, and even with substandard communication skills, I haven't felt any bad vibes or tremors from the customers I have dealt with so far. But I do agree it isn't too stimulating once you get deeper into it, or when it's a slow day. When business starts to pick up later on in the day, maybe you'll feel the pressure of having to multi-task between a couple of customers, but even then your actions to satisfy said customers will be somewhat routine. I think I'm still in the honeymoon phase of the retail job cycle or something, but I don't think I'll get super depressed or anything, heh. Work is still work, and I'm still a slacker last time I checked.

Now to vi-dee-ya games, of course. I feel like I should just stop playing anything that's remotely competitive and takes skill of any sort. Maybe it's just my frustration of failing at least 10 times on my Megaman Zero run in at least 7 different places in the game. Or maybe it's just getting a consistent last place ranking in the local Toronto Soulcalibur 4 tournies. Maybe it's just that I simply cannot play and adapt, only memorize a game in order to have any success at all. I guess runs are overrated, I was never good at fighting games, and while certain games do require a fair amount of memorization, most will definitely require some sort of improvisational skill. All of this together is an explanation of why I suck so much.

I don't want to give up, but I don't see where I'm going. After so many failed attempts at a 100 point run in MMZ, I just can't see myself doing that perfect run, finishing it once and for all. I don't see how I'll be able to perceive all that is happening during a SC4 match, having to interpret lots of information, come up with a solution on the spot, execute it without flaw in a very short duration, and repeat it multiple times for about 5 minutes. I wish I could just memorize it like a level in Megaman, but it doesn't work that way...

And I wanna play something new, dammit! Actually, I was looking at giving Front Mission: Gun Hazard a spin, especially with the lovely translation job that the awesome AGTP team completed a while back. Actually, I started playing Jericho on the 360. It seems to have a good atmosphere, and I find the voice acting is pretty good (the actor who voiced Scott Mitchell from GRAW!). It's a standard shooter I guess, but the abilities seem promising. Haven't gone too far into it, but I can say that the AI dies quite a lot. There was a level where I had to disable battery placements, for example. Only one character can destroy them, and you have to be controlling this character in order to do so. But even though it was designed like this, the AI should have been smarter in taking up better positions to avoid turret fire while still being able to attack the guards. Hopefully it's just a level design flaw.

Christmas is coming soon, and then my birthday shortly after. Although they say that the "youth is wasted on the young," I sure as hell don't want to get older...

Black 'n' Orange Day...No, screw that, it's Halloween!

2008-10-31T23:29:00.000-04:00

Yay for writing my obligatory monthly journal entry, and what better time to do it before Halloween on midnight? Not that it'll give me any extra insight or profoundness into my view on life and my point of view. I guess I'm just trying to feel special when I'm not. And I don't feel it. But I do it anyway. Just like how I type incoherent sentence fragments. Makes me think I feel special. Like a unique and beautif...aw hell, let's end that.

Strangely, this year we aren't giving out candied delights and crunchy treats. I guess my parents have had enough, but at least my mom brought some goodies to the annual Halloween party they attend. Also out of place was how the Toronto District School Board made some changes on how this eerie day is viewed. According to this article, it's now referred to as Black and Orange Day. Why now, after all this time? Surely political correctness doesn't have to intervene with a day where kids get candy and have half an excuse to revel in chaotic egg tossing behaviour? Well, the article and comments already say what I'm thinking, and then some.

Time flys by when you're doing jack shit. I would know, heh. But at least I'm getting lots of piano practice. Although structured education on music theory and professional guidance would help greatly, I feel like I'm getting a little better. Playing a stream of eighth notes on the left handed bass clef, for example, was tricky but I seem to be able to pull it off somewhat decently. I'm not really studying 'properly' though. I'm trying to play game songs from a combination of ear and MIDI to sheet music conversions. Right now, I've got the Hometown of the Hero theme from Dragon Quest/Warrior 4 down, and I'm working on the Lufia town song and Cannonball from Megaman Zero 3.

After putting it off for so long out of fear and disinterest, I finally completed my 10 hours of practical driving lessons. I guess I'm a below average driver right now. I still fuck up turning (maybe I should learn push-pull) and turning in traffic is even worse. I won't be getting that G2 license anytime soon, but whatever. As long as I don't have it, no one can ask me to pick them up or anything. Even if driving's an essential skill for urban life, it only makes me appreciate mass transporation more so.

When it comes to gaming, I keep hitting plateaus early and can't seem to get any higher. One thing I keep asking myself is "do I want it that bad?" If I answer yes, does it show? When someone else wants to get somewhere out of their reach and is willing to risk everything necessary, it will definitely show. I'm afraid I'll never have that feeling, though. I know I lack passion, and that shows.

STGT 2008 is over. It looks like I made 21st place, and my team made 17th overall. Not bad, I guess. I tried to give it my all, and maybe until the 3rd week I put in as much time as I could. I slightly lost focus during the 4th week, and finally by the 5th I gave up (and played Mother 3/Earthbound 2 to boot!). Damn Cave game and its complex scoring system. On the 3rd week though, I put in 30 hours. I'm pretty sure I wanted to kick ass that week, but I only made less than 4 million on Rayforce, 10th place. I'm sure that 'dedication' wasn't noticed over the internet, but I can't say for sure whether I REALLY wanted it deep inside...

I'm still into Soulcalibur 4, haven't given up. But I sure as hell suck, placing last in 3 out of 4 local tournaments. There's another coming up this week, a team and singles tourney. I know I definitely don't want to be at the bottom, and I know that perhaps the top is simply out of my grasp. But how much am I going to do just to stay in the middle? Will I memorize frame data? Pick up a higher tiered character? Or am I content enough to just let go and stay at the bottom, like I did with STGT? Hell if I can figure it out now, but maybe I can get the answer during the next tourney. Although everything feels like a blur when it's my turn to play a match, that's probably the best time to learn and figure out an answer.

On the playing field (moved my fat feet, now hip deep in snow)

2008-09-20T03:58:00.000-04:00

Guess I'll keep this one short, or at least I think I will. Heh, it's doesn't feel like there's a lot on my mind, but even then I might take forever to describe what I'm thinking. Maybe I can practise being more concise with fewer words. Well, let's see.

As a change of pace, I'll just start with video game related stuff right off the bat. Probably the most significant recent event in this aspect of my life would be rejoining the ranks of the Toronto Soulcalibur community. Yeah, I realized my departure from SC3 was part spite, low skill (with a lower tier character no less!), and being pissed at my friend. But spite wears off, skill can be built, and I've gotten used to being irritated by my friend's antics. So, with that, I'm playing SC4 now. And Raphael doesn't suck as much as I remember from SC3, so I guess that helps my low skill level. One method that I'm trying to execute is learning the basics of all the characters. I'll start by compiling all the data I can read on the forums, then try them out in training mode for a length of time...

Megaman Zero 100 point hard mode run? Failing hardcore. At least I can do a run that gets 96+ points on every level, which is what I consider a 'true' S rank run. I guess with that definition, a 'false' S rank run is just a run with an average of 96 points across all the levels. I guess I'll pop up my recent run on Youtube and hopefully use that as a motivator to get that coveted triple-digit average.

Shooting Game Tournament 2008! I'm a part of Team Free Agents. The other Team Free Agents (2) switched their name, so I asked the team if we could just drop the number from our name and they agreed. Our team is obviously not a force in STGT08, but I'm doing suprisingly decent with a current 20th spot. Though I'm sure that'll become 40th-50th at the end of the tourney. Heh, there seems to be less whining and drama this year 'round, which has its ups (everyone's havin' fun) and downs (lack of community entertainment).

'kay, so now the job stuff. Holy hell, my experience has been terrible. I call classified ads, browse craigslist, and so forth. The people I call either don't want anything to do with me, or it's just some voice box which also don't want me either. The craigslist ads actually got me interviews. The interview was pretty bad but for some reason I belive to have a chance. So I follow up, and get something along the lines of "we haven't made a decision yet, we'll keep you updated." Fuck that! It's a freakin' part time job where I check inventory and move boxes! With this frustration, I decided to go back to the Alternate Youth Center for Employment, AYCE. It's not quite a job agency, but whatever, I guess it works the same. I don't want to work full time, but it seems I don't have a choice...

...which is a shame now that 2 of my former college classmates are following their ambition, something that I had before but no longer have it or the drive to follow through. Both of these classmates are starting their own games, which seem to be aiming to make a profit in the game industry. I don't know how much effort one is putting into their project, but the other said that while he aims to make a profit, he also says this'll be completed in the team's spare time. I guess I can't leave programming forever, no matter how limited and poor my skills are. Oh, and I have to sorta decide who to work for now that I won't have all this freedom. And there's always Phase 3 to think about.

Flow change! A few moments ago, I was reading some old posts from a blog regarding finance. Although I believe myself not caring too much about being wealthy, I found his stuff interesting. Going by the moniker of Rich E. Obscure, this person talks about being a millionare and his experiences. He's not rock-star or hollywood rich, but he's considered a millionare due to his net worth. And it's not just your salary that can make you wealthy, but it's how much you save and spend. I know in middle school, we were told to save at least 10% of our income, but it seems that the saving rate in America hovers around 0%. The 'advice' he offers such as living below your means seems very reasonable. I hope I don't end up in a bad financial situation in the future...

Fuck, this doesn't seem short at all. Guess I fail again!

I just don't have that drive!

2008-08-20T00:00:00.000-04:00

Right, another month wasted. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Of course, I'd risk my life if it was worth risking. I'm not an entrepeneur or a gambler. I'm pretty sure I play it safe when it comes to my money or my life. Maybe too safe. Too bad that doesn't stop me from making dumbass decisions.

Let's take my first Playstation 2, for example. I got a PS2 and a copy of Soul Calibur 3 at the Scarborough Town Centre a few years ago. I played a few games, and soon after I decided to get it modded. Despite lacking 'street smarts', why in hell didn't I even try Pacific Mall or look for modders in my area? No, I decided to order a modchip (an inferior one, too) and try to install it myself. That's a good idea, attempting to solder a bunch of wires to a bunch of tiny little points with no prior experience. Needless to mention, I lost a couple of bills that day.

Maybe that's one of the reasons why I don't like driving, or why it's never appealed to me. Number 1 probably being that I don't have anywhere to go, heh. But damn, there are a hell of a lot of rules and regulations to follow. Yeah, I'm sure it's all common sense, but there are bad decisions to be made on the road that can lead to seeing the lower end of the colour spectrum.

Taking a big risk on the road doesn't seem to yield a high reward if you're successful, either. With my PS2, I risked a couple of bills which could possibly give me access to any PS2 game without any further cost. On the road, you risk other people's lives, fines and jail time to yield saving a few moments on your travel time. That can't be worth it...

...heh. I don't know why I'm trying to write this entry as if it actually meant something. I don't like driving, that's all. Current gas prices suck, having to drive other people around if requested would be a pain in the ass, and maintaining a vehicle would just further the suckiness incurred by current gas prices. But since I got into driving school for free, I'm glad to have an opportunity to further increase my knowledge. I'd rather be taking a first aid course though, that'd be more practical and maybe more fun. Moving on.

My vacation (actually every day is currently a vacation until I yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip mum mum mum mum mum mum, get a job) to the OO-sah and back was enjoyable. We went down to Mount Rushmore and Yellowstone Park, then headed up to Alberta to spend some time in Banff. It's nice to see the vast terrain everywhere; it's not quite a small world after all. But WAH! I gained 5 pounds, despite going swimming in the hotels we stayed in. I guess doing front crawls back and forth and treading water until my I pulled a hammie ham wasn't enough.

I just lost my second PS2, which was modded by the awesome but now defunct Teammodders.com crew. The power jack seemed loose, which was caused by a cracked soldering joint. So, after a few hours of soldering from my brother, I don't have to worry about my PS2 cutting out during a pathetic failed attempt at FELM standard/difficult. And so, now you know why I wrote that lame paragraph about how my first PS2 died, nyah! Reminiscing about the bad old days is fun!

And yeah, I guess it's high time for me to man up and complete that Megaman Zero 100 point hard mode run. I keep tits-ing it up, either dying way too early and doing a practice run 'til the end of the game, or just flat ol' making an uncommon mistake right in the middle. I haven't yet gotten to the point where I've failed at the very end and proceed to either laugh, cry, break something, or a combination of the three. I guess that means I need another month.

And Soul Calibur 4 is out! And I got a copy! And the Toronto crowd is all hyped up! And...I'll probably just wuss out again! Even though I seem to be catching myself lurking at CaliburForum and 8WayRun for hours at a time reading up on strats, I don't see myself being involved in the community. Guess I just like the idea of how people discuss ideas and stuff to further advance their ability. Or something, I don't know. I'm a wierdo. Maybe I do want to get back in, but right now I can't even recall half the stuff I've read...

STGT 08 is going to start soon, too. I haven't played a shmup recently. I think my last one was Ikaruga, when I bought it over the XBLA marketplace. 30 or so hours yielded a paltry 13 million points in normal mode. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll rank past the last quarter of people. Maybe I should've re-joined the team I played for in 07, LDSTGT. Oh well, Team Free Agents 1 sounds much cooler. Perhaps I can convince the team to just lose the 1 and add an exclamation mark, 'cause exclamation marks make everything 10 times cooler! Just look at the first sentence of my previous paragraph! Heh...

Right, another month wasted. Nothing ventured, nothing gained...Eh, fuck it. That's my insignificant life and it's currently enjoyable for now.

Perpetual Cycle

2008-07-13T00:58:00.000-04:00

Hah. Still an unemployed douchebag, and probably with less ambitions and ideals than I've ever had before. Taking that game design course IADT was a waste, and it drained more than 30K and time. It's too late to do anything about that now though, but it's not something that's easily forgotten. Even my former classmates have felt the sting; one is currently a bartender, although he is happily (at least I'd like to think so, heh) married.

With every passing day, I feel like I'm following the footsteps of my brother. He didn't get any work for a while in the beginning, but managed to find something and stick with it. I just need something steady and something I would enjoy, or anything part time so I only have to bear with working for a small amount of time. I don't think there's a job out there that I would enjoy, would be qualified to do, and where I could actually get past the interview process.

But whether it's full time or part, I would still have some time to myself. It's this portion of the day that I'm worried about. Even though I enjoy it a lot, being my favorite hobby and all, I can't spend all of my time on video games. Even with all my free time due to my lack of convincing people that they should hire me into their company that does whatever it does, I don't spend the entirety of the day on gaming.

I don't know why I feel this way. It's probably 'cause I know I'm wasting my life instead of working, so this need for creating something kicks in. That's probably why I wanted to do something like a full 100 point hard mode run in Megaman Zero in the first place. And yes, I know that's still gaming, but when I record for show it feels different, but whatever. That's beside the point.

More recently, I feel like coding a small Megaman-like game where you just fight bosses, maybe like Warning Forever but it'd probably just be against different bosses instead of a single evolving enemy. I'd code it using SDL I suppose. Maybe I'll get started on it soon, but I know that I'd never finish it since I lose interest in things fairly quickly...

If I don't get this telemarking job that my friend referred me to, I'll probably go with my parents on their vacation period to South Dakota. Maybe while on a roadtrip will I find a little clarity in this wasted existence I call my life. Heh, I doubt it though. Once I come back, I'm sure my life will resume its everlasting suckiness.

May your aim strike true!

2008-05-27T13:19:00.000-04:00

At this very moment, there are hundreds of people rallying to ensure and preserve the concept that is net neutrality. For some reason, I felt like participating in this act of defending our rights, but I suppose natural laziness and lack of knowledge on the subject kicked in as usual. But forget me, people in Ottawa are trying to make the Canadian government listen to reason. The net cannot continue being controlled like this.

I've always read discussions about how ISPs do such and such things that go against the spirit of net neutrality. There are plenty of articles and videos that define, discuss and debate the issue from multiple points of view. But I believe this is the first strike where people physically gathered up to make a difference. Perhaps this was the last straw for TekSavvy, after it was revealed that Bell's throttling affected anyone on their lines regardless of the person's ISP. Well, I think it was TekSavvy that took the initiative since I saw it on their forum first before any news of the event popped up, but I'm sure many other people felt the same way already.

Just by glancing at the "Speakers for the Rally" section on the netneutralityrally.ca website, one can easily see the support for this concept. As long as the people's voices are being listened to and the supporters are present, it's quite possible to make a difference. Hopefully, if this is successful, our neighbor to the south will pick up on the news and make sure net neutrality thrives in their network. May your aim strike true...

On another note, dental surgery wasn't as bad as I thought. Yeah, it still blows but I didn't need to take any of those prescribed painkillers. I wonder why many people have ingrown wisdom teeth. Is there some sort of flaw in our current evolution that screws up our teeth? Heh, who knows.

The League of Unemployed D-Bags

2008-04-01T14:32:00.000-04:00

Heh...after all this time, I still don't have a steady job. It's not like I haven't been trying, but maybe I haven't been trying hard enough. And, of course, I kinda don't want to work. I guess that partially explains why Office Space is a great movie despite the fact that I haven't really worked in a corporate setting such as the one depicted in the movie. I don't really have any dreams, so that could be considered equivalent to the main character's dream of doing nothing, heh. And although I don't 'need a million dollars to do nothing, man', I still need some source of income.

Every time I keep thinking about it, getting a career in the games industry just becomes less and less appealing. Even a recent thread on the shmups forum just strengthens the fact that it's still work and work sucks. Hell, someone posted that nearly verbatim. And being someone who lacks passion, I don't think getting a job in the industry would make me happier than that office job I just recently left. But, as long as I can put my 'skills' to use, I'll try to go for anything where I have more than a snowball's chance in hell to become employed.

It's funny, though. After attempting to have a Phase 3 meeting (which didn't go through twice), the people who showed up on the second date (aka not the head of the company) decided to go to a fellow IADT graduate's home. So we did, and just hung out for a while. After having a somewhat lighthearted discussion about our lack of jobs with the Phase 3 dudes, I asked the other two guys if they had jobs. One said they didn't, and the other said sort of, which is probably an on-call thing. It's at that point where I learned that we're just a bunch of unemployed schmoes just trying to get through our lives.

Should society look down on us? Probably. Should we feel horrible about ourselves because we're not doing much with our lives? Maybe they do, maybe they don't. But do I feel horrible that society is probably looking down at me for doing nothing with my life? Nah. I'm more worried that I'm letting my parents down, especially when they paid for my entire college tuition. But other than that, I don't care if my jobless waste of flesh is being looked down upon. I just wish I could accomplish something with all this free time.

I worked on video game stuff at first. I tried recording a full run of IWBTG on impossible mode, but the recording threw off the game speed a little too much for me. Well, that and I sucked. I also went back to playing Guwange to see if I ever had a chance at counter stopping it. No luck there; I can't even break my old score of 10 million. I considered doing a full 100 point run of Megaman Zero but for some reason it doesn't seem appealing anymore. At the very least, I managed to complete my Megaman X5 run that obtains the MMH/MEH rank for both X and Zero.

Since then, I've turned to musical stuff. I've tried playing a few things by ear, but I haven't been too successful with that. I don't even know if I could reproduce the bass line, let alone create a suitable harmony. If I'm successful though, I might just create a piano-arranged version of Ashes to Ashes from the Super Robot Wars Original Generation games. Though, I don't think that has a remote chance of happening.

Speaking of which, I've been highly addicted to those games. I've played through the first SRW:OG game twice, and I'm currently on my second play through of SRW:OG2. It's amazing how much time flew by. Such is the life of an unemployed douche bag, heh. Maybe I should do a little programming in the meantime as well. After all, I'm the coder for Phase 3. But I have very little motivation that is stemming from a lack of communication and, recently, the cancellation of those two meetings on the same week.

And as long's I'm talking about games, I might as well mention the North American instagib League, NAiL. ES was quite inactive and more or less dead at the time, so I left and joined up with EoM. With them, we managed to win one match against KEA. Being an instagib league, I didn't take it too seriously. But it was there, so I signed up and played. Veni, vidi, I got my ass handed to me as expected. Well, I don't know if I'll ever be as active in Quake 2 as before, which isn't saying I was playing a lot anyway, more like spectating on the servers 'cause I'm too much of a pansy to actually play.

Pulling the limits closer 'til I can barely squeeze by...

2007-12-12T15:53:00.000-05:00

Been a while since my last entry. Well, it's always like that, but it looks like I skipped a month. I guess it's better late than never, huh? Hah, there's no better feeling than starting a journal entry with a cliche. So, it's mid-December, which nearly marks another beginning of a year. Another Christmas, another year, and another birthday. Damn, these events that are stacked so close together make me comprehend just how old and I am and will become later on. Also, they make me realize how I'm becoming more useless with each passing day.

Where do I start? Well, let's take school for starters. I've graduated with honors from the International Academy of Design's Video Game Design and Development program. Gee, thanks for letting me hide from the real world while I shamelessly let you take $30k from my parents. And damn, I didn't really learn a lot of technical knowledge in computer science and programming, the field I've more or less chosen to specialize in. Most of what I learned is that the video game industry is like any other industry. You have to network and present yourself as the ideal candidate for whatever the hell position or goal you're aiming for. And once you're hired, you have to keep showing that you can keep your job. It's a shame that after 19 years on this planet, I am socially inept as fuck and I don't know jack about shit when it comes to anything.

I don't know a thing about computer science. All I can do is barely code and design shitty software and hope it'll work with little problems. Not only is that highly unlikely, but that just shows my quality of work. And even if I did go to a real school instead of this lame private college, I sure as hell wouldn't have made it through a semester. Damned if my weak knowledge of concepts such as polymorphism or design patterns could actually be applied properly in the games I code.

My lack of knowledge is coupled with the fact that I simply don't like the process of networking. Why? 'cause I don't like people. No...I don't outright dislike people, I don't like forming and maintaining relationships. I would say it's simply 'cause I don't care about people, but I'm also not that interesting of a person. If someone wants to talk about their day or whatever, I'll gladly lend an ear for a while. But if I had to engage in "active listening" (aka actually responding), I wouldn't be able to contribute much. How boring...just like this journal entry, or the ones before it!

And on that note, I completely lack any sort of confidence when dealing with people. After spending a few years on the 'net, I think I lurk at every single forum I visit! Hmm, Tastyspleen, ESReality, Shmups...damn, you'd think that after a while, I'd pass that initial "newbie phase" and actually have some ideas worth contributing. Yeah right, that would be the digital equivalent of active listening, wouldn't it?

Let's take fighting games as another example. Being an introverted idiot, I'm afraid of people. That automatically means that I'm staying the hell away from LAN parties, arcades or similar gatherings (and also one of the reasons I stopped playing Soul Caliber 3 with the Toronto crowd). So, all that's left is the internet, right? One would think so. But then again, one would think I wouldn't be so reluctant to just hop on IRC and ask people for a few games. Goddamn, I played on GGPO once, and it wasn't so bad...as long as I didn't have to say anything. Needless to say, I don't think I gave anyone a good match on the one day I played Street Fighter Alpha 2 on GGPO.

Yeah, I know you can improve your skills by playing more, but who wants to play a newbie all the time? Sure, maybe it's okay once in a while so that your own skills won't suffer as a result if you have that mindset, but would you want to play a newbie who is completely void of conversational skills or personality? Why play someone who is so intent on avoiding human interaction that he would rather stick to lurking forums and watching replays? Why not just play the computer AI instead? At least, that's my train of thought. And it's that train of thought that has prevented me from playing two great doujin fighting games with other people besides real life friends.

Great. So, I possess below-average intelligence and charisma that a dwarf would be ashamed of. I'd feel a little better if I had a little passion in my words and my work. You know that saying, "It's better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt?" Oh yeah, well at least that dude who's thought of as a fool isn't a gigantic pansy like me. For fuck's sake, I'm devoid of any flair or passion for anything.

I'm thinking about my classmate Barry. He's a fellow programmer like myself, only leagues better, and he has artistic talent as well. Barry and I don't see eye to eye when it comes to money, me being a little more open-handed and him doing whatever it takes to make more cash. Well, that's probably 'cause I'm a naive idiot and don't know shit about shit of course. But even though I view him as a little greedy, he has the passion and drive to back it up. Maybe he deserves a hell of a whole lot more than me 'cause he's willing to put in more hours and neurons than I will ever consider doing myself.

I'd like to say I'm passionate about performing well in games, but that just ain't true. Sure, I posted a few videos on YouTube of me playing a few games. But I shouldn't be proud of anything that any below-average player like myself could accomplish. Kind of pathetic...I post trash like me beating all 8 bosses in MegaMari with only the M-Buster when there are thousands of other players pushing the limits of gaming. If I had any skill at all, I would have posted some cool stuff to look at, but instead, I barely made it through Megaman X4 with Zero on a recent play through. Goddamn, it should be so fucking easy! You get a fucking energy capsule before each boss, attacks don't reduce so much health and the boss patterns are easy to learn! And Zero has dash-canceling on top of that! But no, like the retard that I am, I fucked up multiple times on Storm Owl, and I had even collected 7 hearts by that point! Useless.

Can't write, either. Barring sentence fragments, this journal entry probably has numerous grammatical errors. Even if it is "casual" writing, it's still pretty piss poor. Maybe I should've remembered the rules for using a comma. Hell, I had to look up if starting a sentence with an apostrophe would require the second character to be capitalized (and I didn't find a clear answer either, which shows how much I suck at using a search engine). What a travesty of a joke. TL;DR indeed.

What now? I'm completely useless and I'm unemployed. I guess it's time to enter the wonderful world of retail! Oh boy how I'm gonna love telling people about buying pre-owned games or extended warranties or whatever the fuck the manager will have me do. And that's assuming I'll get the job, which will obviously depend on how desperate the company/manager is.

And I have the audacity to bitch about my life like it actually matters. This below-average human being actually thinks he'll elicit some sympathy from others for his pathetic life. I'm just another statistic on this planet. There are many people who have it much worse both physically and mentally. I should be happy that I haven't been kicked out of my basement yet.

Where do I go from here? Who gives a shit? I certainly don't. If I did, I would've made something of myself a long time ago. Maybe my parents still care, though. After all, they're the reason I went to college. I couldn't get a job then, and I didn't want to appear like some schmoe. But now that I'm done with college, I've graduated to an educated schmoe or something of the sort. I'd better do something with my life, and soon. I know I have a huge debt to pay off, and it costs a lot more than $30k.

Analysis of subject KP-19

2007-10-22T14:51:00.000-04:00

Experiment ST07

Synopsis:
The main purpose of this experiment is to determine the potential combat skills of each subject for further military use in Operation Soulforge. All subjects were given the task of piloting a variety of air craft through a multitude of simulated combat zones. Each zone was specifically designed not only to test the physical skills of the pilot, but also to determine each subject's ability to analyze the tactical situation at hand. All information has been documented by section and by individual, for each week and an overall analysis.

Subject: KP-19
Handle: Kyper
Assigned Section: LDSTGT07

Supervisor: Jonathan Core

I have been assigned to supervise and record all information on subject KP-19, otherwise known as Kyper. Each week has been documented with their corresponding aircraft manufacturer and experiment phase name.

Week 1: Konami
Operation: TwinBee Yahhoo!

The subject displayed great enthusiasm as the experiment started its first week. The first experiment phase challenged each pilot with handling Konami's famous TwinBee aircraft, a trademark blue and yellow bee-shaped robot. A handful of participants expressed dismay with the TwinBee being greatly affected by gravitational problems and the poorly designed combat zone which required "juggling bells," as one participant had eloquently stated. Subject KP-19 however did not seem to share this dislike. Rather, he seemed to enjoy this experiment phase.

During his piloting, KP-19 managed to execute a sound strategy, although it could have been improved had he not decided against upgrading his craft's speed and weapons systems. He encountered problems in the middle of the 4th combat zone, where it was inevitable for him to be shot down by an enemy. If it were not for the assistance of his wingman GwinBee, KP-19 would most likely have not finished off the final obstacle of the 5th zone. A documented photograph describing said situation can be found here.

The subject attempted to gain some tactical insight by discussing the experiment phase with his assigned section, LDSTGT07. To his bewilderment, only the section leader (subject CH5K) responded to his inquiry. KP-19 appeared to be disheartened, but this did not affect his performance in any way.

Combat Performance Score: 3,841,370
Week Grade: 16/108 - A
Grade up to this point: 16/108 - A

Week 2: Seibu Kaihatsu
Operation: Viper Phase One

Having previous experience and previous discomfort with the Seibu Kaihatsu line of aircraft, the subject managed to, in his own words, "live down to his expectations." Seibu aircraft have a bit of a reputation of being slow and susceptible to quick fire, especially against sniper-type attack ships. The JudgeSpear craft appeared to be no exception for subject KP-19. This discomfort was coupled with the intense combat zone that placed an emphasis on memorization. Even the slightest mistake would cause a significant lapse in the pilot's chances of performing well.

The subject was unable to formulate a successful strategy. He could not perfect the 1st combat zone, nor did he even make it past the 3rd zone. KP-19 complained of a lack of time due to other commitments, but he did not seem confident that he would otherwise produce a better performance. Despite the lack of affinity for the chosen aircraft and the difficult combat zone conditions, the subject seemed quite engaged during this experiment phase.

Once again, KP-19 attempted another effort to get his section involved in tactical discussion. This also met with failure as his question went unanswered. My belief is that he came to realize his section members were not as committed as he was. Judging from discussion with the other supervisors and KP-19's behavior in the future, this is a most likely case.

Combat Performance Score: 2,101,015
Week Grade: 48/93 - F+
Grade up to this point: 27/116 - B

Week 3: Second Place
Operation: Darius Gaiden

This experiment featured the Silver Hawk aircraft which the subject found most capable in both offensive and defensive abilities. The Silver Hawk possess an advanced shielding system that protects against multiple hits and can be upgraded if the pilot collects enough Medal Blue to do so. Also, the craft has an incredibly high rate of fire compared to other ships. Some subjects found this craft to be more than enough for the job, KP-19 included.

The tactical component of this experiment phase was a little different than usual. Participants were allowed to select specific routes through the combat zone, leaving it up to the pilot to discover the best route for maximum performance. Although the majority of the subjects chose route ABDGLQV, KP-19 and the best subject opted for route ABDGKPZ'. Unfortunately for KP-19, he lost a fair amount of performance points for failing to survive multiple attacks within the end of Z' section. A documented photograph of his performance can be found here.

Despite his failed attempts to spark tactical discussion, KP-19 still shared his findings and experiences. It seemed that only his section leader would respond, and it would not help with KP-19's strategy due to the different routes they chose. He seemed to be somewhat content knowing that someone in his section was committed as he was, if not more so.

Combat Performance Score: 8,550,000
Week Grade: 36/88 - D+
Grade up to this point: 32/116 - B-

Week 4: Hidden Gem
Operation: Omega Fighter Special

In this combat zone, pilots were to approach the enemy as closely as possible in order to achieve a high performance score. In addition to this unique property, the pilots were also given limited access to red bomb weaponry. These clear the immediate area of any enemy. Unfortunately, the combat zone suffered from a major glitch in the system. A pilot's performance score would rise if they collided with the last remaining enemy at the end of each combat zone. Thankfully, the knowledge to replicate this glitch was made available to each of the subjects, keeping the experiment results valid.

The subject appeared to be discontent and frustrated with this experiment phase. Although his previous performances were below average, this phase had the subject become infuriated with his own ability. One particular moment was in the 7th combat zone, against an enemy armed with funnel laser weaponry. KP-19 was unable to devise a proper strategy and this prevented him from further adding to his performance score. Further hindering his progress was his neglect of making the best use of red bombs.

KP-19 did not try to communicate with his section in this experiment phase. It was most likely that the subject did not find the need to, and also likely that he knew he would not receive any answers.

Combat Performance Score: 7,670,000
Week Grade: 34/77 - D
Grade up to this point: 28/118 - B

Week 5: Famous Maniac
Operation: Giga Wing

This final combat zone was designed to push the physical and tactical limits of each participant. Each area of the combat zone contains a large amount of enemies armed with high rate of fire weaponry. To ease the tension on the pilots, their ships were given a special weapon called the Reflect Force. This weapon would produce a shield that would last for a few seconds. When in use, it provides invulnerability to any attacks and also reflects any enemy fire. If used right, the pilot would obtain not only a higher performance score, but a better chance to survive. Also unique to this experiment phase was the ability to choose from 4 different ships: the Raijin, Carmine, Porchka and the Widerstand.

KP-19 was impressed with his section leader's experience with the Carmine. Despite his poor performances, KP-19 made a personal challenge which encompassed both redeeming himself and also surpassing his section leader. As expected, this was not to be. The subject seemed to be too preoccupied with perfecting the first combat zones. He could be observed analyzing replaces of his flight attempts over and over again, trying to absorb all the information he could.

Based on my observations, all of that information either proved to be too much for him, or he lacked the piloting ability to execute his planned strategy properly, possibly both. His final result in this experiment phase was quite low, but KP-19 seemed to believe he was on the right track. Comparing his results to others, he only reached the 3rd combat zone but managed to achieve a performance score equivalent to those subjects who ended their run on the 4th or 5th zone.

Combat Performance Score: 6,380,215,135,910
Week Grade: 45/76 - F
Overall Grade:

Final Notes:

After analyzing these results, it clearly shows that subject KP-19 is lacking the ability to pilot any craft and to devise a proper strategy. It also seems that something else is holding him back, something that I cannot determine at this point in time.

I have observed that he has somewhat of a pessimistic nature. He seems to feel a little sorrow due to his inability to effectively master a single combat zone. He is bothered even more so because he does not feel he has improved in his general skill after all 5 weeks of ST07. Perhaps that is so, but KP-19 should not feel discouraged by his performance. If anything, he should use experience to further drive his path to improvement. I'm sure he is fully aware of this fact. That is why I have recommended him for Operation Soulforge.

I wish Kyper all the best.

Document name TL;DR: GGS
-Jonathan Core

Programmers run the world

2007-10-08T19:51:00.000-04:00

Well, this is as any good a time as another to make an entry. I guess we can kick it off with a topic that has had somewhat of an influence on my life. In the Q2 scene, there's a coder named R1CH who is doing a couple of things to strengthen the game and the community. Specifically, he has coded r1q2, which provides a stable and secure client and server. He has created the anticheat .dll which protects servers from anyone who attempts to cheat. He is also currently working on OpenTDM, an open sourced server-side mod that will help provide quick and easy modifications. This is opposed to closed-source tourney OSP mod. Heh, r1ch also has somewhat of a reputation of being a nazi coder for his work on the Q2 mod Gloom.

But, let's put r1ch and his accomplishments aside for now. No, I'm more focused about a coder named Zaltekk. According to his MySpace page, he's a month younger than me. Despite that, he has a wide range of technical knowledge that far exceeds my own. Heh, well I guess I shouldn't be surprised about that. I still have doubts about my currently chosen field. There's a lot to learn, and I feel like I have to struggle a little more than the average person on any given programming concept or technical whatnot.

At any rate, Zaltekk has been on both sides of the Q2 cheating scene, so to speak. I've read some of his forum posts aiding Bryce, the author of the now defunct NoCheat client, with security and code tips. But he has also been involved in the creation of cheats, including his own release of a Digital Paintball client hack. He has helped r1ch with a few things, but he also talks to zeb0r, one of the more seedy members of the Q2 community, if you will. I'm wondering what his intentions are, whether he's just playing mind games to screw with everyone or just looking for coding challenges in different areas.

Whether it's right or not for Zaltekk to screw around like this is not an issue. He can do as he pleases and I wish him luck regardless. What is surprising to me, though, is how much influence a coder can have on a community. I always see coders like r1ch and arQon (well, maybe not arQon, heh) getting a whole lot of respect for what they're doing. Rarely do I see an artist getting the same reputation as a programmer, but then again maybe I'm looking in the wrong places. I don't know, though...would a person who, compared to someone who has mastery over how a game works, have the same amount of respect in the community for being able to design custom textures, models and levels?

Not to mention that coders can easily help or hinder you, depending on their intentions. That reminds me of a little stunt that zeb0r pulled off against r1ch. He wrote a little piece at www.zeb0r.net/r1ch, but it seems to be inaccessible right now. It was probably pulled off 'cause people were debunking his lies, it seems. Whatever the case, he provided a couple of false IRC logs that painted r1ch as a malicious coder that was trying to use his status as the sole anticheat/r1q2 coder to get in a better financial position. There was even a code snippet that supposedly showed commands that r1ch could use to more or less screw with your system (I couldn't understand it, it's too low-level for me, and I barely understand anything low-level).

Whether it's true or not, and I highly doubt that it is, it just goes to show you that coders can easily write 'bad' or 'good' code. And it's not the code's fault; lines of code are just a set of instructions. It does not differentiate between helpful or harmful intentions. It just does what it is told, pretty much. There seems to be a lot of power to be attained as a coder, or someone with technical knowledge. And just like the saying that Mr. Parker likes to cite, great power comes with great responsibility. I hope coders are willing to take responsibility for their work, whether they release a hotfix or a hack. Well, that's enough of those ramblings.

So! Week 4 of the Shooting Game Tournament 2007 on shmups.com has come to an end. I did what I could, but it's obviously not good enough. I couldn't clear the first loop, and I didn't hit 10 million points. I only started to use my red bombs efficiently on my last couple of runs. Heh...is there anything that I did right? I sort of gave up on the last day, not being able to get past level 7 consistently. The stage is just full of enemies and projectiles, and the boss will cause problems if you don't have a red bomb handy.

Omega Fighter Special just wasn't my game, but then again, what is? I await the final week of this tournament. I'm gonna do my best to make the top 20. I'm a little unsure of my chances, though. The final week's theme is 'Famous Maniac.' The famous keyword tells me that a bunch of people have played it, and the maniac part tells me it's gonna be hard. Nevertheless, I'll do my best.

Another entry of an insignificant lifeform

2007-10-08T19:25:00.000-04:00

Well, I decided to move the place where I write my journal entries. I suppose it doesn't matter where I write this stuff 'cause no one else is gonna read it, but I think a weblog is the right venue for me to write random thoughts about things.

I remember when I used my school agenda as a journal. I filled 4 years of my high school experience inside, and then finally moved to LiveJournal. It has been a while, hasn't it? It doesn't feel like anything has changed...heh, whatever.

My old stuff can be found at http://kyper-trast.livejournal.com if anyone wants to bother. Some of the more recent posts talk about the Q2 NADL #1 and STGT 2007 if anyone cares. My life isn't all that interesting, but if people want to read over the idiotic thoughts of a below average human being, they are welcome to.