Been a while since my last entry. Well, it's always like that, but it looks like I skipped a month. I guess it's better late than never, huh? Hah, there's no better feeling than starting a journal entry with a cliche. So, it's mid-December, which nearly marks another beginning of a year. Another Christmas, another year, and another birthday. Damn, these events that are stacked so close together make me comprehend just how old and I am and will become later on. Also, they make me realize how I'm becoming more useless with each passing day.
Where do I start? Well, let's take school for starters. I've graduated with honors from the International Academy of Design's Video Game Design and Development program. Gee, thanks for letting me hide from the real world while I shamelessly let you take $30k from my parents. And damn, I didn't really learn a lot of technical knowledge in computer science and programming, the field I've more or less chosen to specialize in. Most of what I learned is that the video game industry is like any other industry. You have to network and present yourself as the ideal candidate for whatever the hell position or goal you're aiming for. And once you're hired, you have to keep showing that you can keep your job. It's a shame that after 19 years on this planet, I am socially inept as fuck and I don't know jack about shit when it comes to anything.
I don't know a thing about computer science. All I can do is barely code and design shitty software and hope it'll work with little problems. Not only is that highly unlikely, but that just shows my quality of work. And even if I did go to a real school instead of this lame private college, I sure as hell wouldn't have made it through a semester. Damned if my weak knowledge of concepts such as polymorphism or design patterns could actually be applied properly in the games I code.
My lack of knowledge is coupled with the fact that I simply don't like the process of networking. Why? 'cause I don't like people. No...I don't outright dislike people, I don't like forming and maintaining relationships. I would say it's simply 'cause I don't care about people, but I'm also not that interesting of a person. If someone wants to talk about their day or whatever, I'll gladly lend an ear for a while. But if I had to engage in "active listening" (aka actually responding), I wouldn't be able to contribute much. How boring...just like this journal entry, or the ones before it!
And on that note, I completely lack any sort of confidence when dealing with people. After spending a few years on the 'net, I think I lurk at every single forum I visit! Hmm, Tastyspleen, ESReality, Shmups...damn, you'd think that after a while, I'd pass that initial "newbie phase" and actually have some ideas worth contributing. Yeah right, that would be the digital equivalent of active listening, wouldn't it?
Let's take fighting games as another example. Being an introverted idiot, I'm afraid of people. That automatically means that I'm staying the hell away from LAN parties, arcades or similar gatherings (and also one of the reasons I stopped playing Soul Caliber 3 with the Toronto crowd). So, all that's left is the internet, right? One would think so. But then again, one would think I wouldn't be so reluctant to just hop on IRC and ask people for a few games. Goddamn, I played on GGPO once, and it wasn't so bad...as long as I didn't have to say anything. Needless to say, I don't think I gave anyone a good match on the one day I played Street Fighter Alpha 2 on GGPO.
Yeah, I know you can improve your skills by playing more, but who wants to play a newbie all the time? Sure, maybe it's okay once in a while so that your own skills won't suffer as a result if you have that mindset, but would you want to play a newbie who is completely void of conversational skills or personality? Why play someone who is so intent on avoiding human interaction that he would rather stick to lurking forums and watching replays? Why not just play the computer AI instead? At least, that's my train of thought. And it's that train of thought that has prevented me from playing two great doujin fighting games with other people besides real life friends.
Great. So, I possess below-average intelligence and charisma that a dwarf would be ashamed of. I'd feel a little better if I had a little passion in my words and my work. You know that saying, "It's better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt?" Oh yeah, well at least that dude who's thought of as a fool isn't a gigantic pansy like me. For fuck's sake, I'm devoid of any flair or passion for anything.
I'm thinking about my classmate Barry. He's a fellow programmer like myself, only leagues better, and he has artistic talent as well. Barry and I don't see eye to eye when it comes to money, me being a little more open-handed and him doing whatever it takes to make more cash. Well, that's probably 'cause I'm a naive idiot and don't know shit about shit of course. But even though I view him as a little greedy, he has the passion and drive to back it up. Maybe he deserves a hell of a whole lot more than me 'cause he's willing to put in more hours and neurons than I will ever consider doing myself.
I'd like to say I'm passionate about performing well in games, but that just ain't true. Sure, I posted a few videos on YouTube of me playing a few games. But I shouldn't be proud of anything that any below-average player like myself could accomplish. Kind of pathetic...I post trash like me beating all 8 bosses in MegaMari with only the M-Buster when there are thousands of other players pushing the limits of gaming. If I had any skill at all, I would have posted some cool stuff to look at, but instead, I barely made it through Megaman X4 with Zero on a recent play through. Goddamn, it should be so fucking easy! You get a fucking energy capsule before each boss, attacks don't reduce so much health and the boss patterns are easy to learn! And Zero has dash-canceling on top of that! But no, like the retard that I am, I fucked up multiple times on Storm Owl, and I had even collected 7 hearts by that point! Useless.
Can't write, either. Barring sentence fragments, this journal entry probably has numerous grammatical errors. Even if it is "casual" writing, it's still pretty piss poor. Maybe I should've remembered the rules for using a comma. Hell, I had to look up if starting a sentence with an apostrophe would require the second character to be capitalized (and I didn't find a clear answer either, which shows how much I suck at using a search engine). What a travesty of a joke. TL;DR indeed.
What now? I'm completely useless and I'm unemployed. I guess it's time to enter the wonderful world of retail! Oh boy how I'm gonna love telling people about buying pre-owned games or extended warranties or whatever the fuck the manager will have me do. And that's assuming I'll get the job, which will obviously depend on how desperate the company/manager is.
And I have the audacity to bitch about my life like it actually matters. This below-average human being actually thinks he'll elicit some sympathy from others for his pathetic life. I'm just another statistic on this planet. There are many people who have it much worse both physically and mentally. I should be happy that I haven't been kicked out of my basement yet.
Where do I go from here? Who gives a shit? I certainly don't. If I did, I would've made something of myself a long time ago. Maybe my parents still care, though. After all, they're the reason I went to college. I couldn't get a job then, and I didn't want to appear like some schmoe. But now that I'm done with college, I've graduated to an educated schmoe or something of the sort. I'd better do something with my life, and soon. I know I have a huge debt to pay off, and it costs a lot more than $30k.
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