Tears and Hate

Alright, so yesterday there was another Soulcalibur 4 tourney. I didn't really feel particularly pumped up or anything this time 'round, for whatever reason. Maybe it's because I've been into Virtual On and Raiden Fighters Aces instead. Maybe I was a little stressed out from work. Whatever the reason was, I walked into that familiar building wondering what I was doing there. Was I really there to waste my time and money yet again?

When I entered, the first noticeable thing was the noise level. After the release of Street Fighter 4 on consoles, this place was also running SF4 tournies, which of course has a truckload of participants. Not this time though, as Dino had made this a strictly SC4 event. The lost peacefulness of before was to be lost again though as people soon trickled in a few moments later to play some casual games in the back room.

So, we were warming up as usual, obviously so that we would be ready for the real thing and to pass the time as the rest of the participants arrived. Pretty soon, it's my turn. I haven't played the game in about 2 weeks, but I still know how to use Raphael like before. Unfortunately for me, that means all I know is to run old patterns, which would definitely mean another 0 win-2 loss result under my belt. So be it then, I'm simply getting what I deserve.

Time takes its course and the first round of matches begin. Mine is against Ember, whom I've faced a couple of times before, and I have a fair amount of experience against Xianghua in general. The last times against her, I won without difficulty once, then I struggled but came out on top in our next encounter. This time, I was to lose. I've lost a hell of a lot in these SC4 tournaments, having about 10 or more 0 win-2 loss results on my record. But this time, I was dragged into a downward spiral, much worse than what I've ever felt before.

The first match of the set was close, it went to the final round and she took the win. That's fine, I told myself, I just have to step it up now. But then, something overcame me. It's hard to describe for me, but I guess the closest thing is helplessness. Helplessness and self-hate. Why am I struggling so hard just to keep up? Do I really think I have a chance?

I was having a hard time thinking about my next move, and it got worse when some SF4 players came from the back room and started to cheer Ember on. Heh, I know that it was all out of fun to cheer on the female player, but during the match, I felt a peculiar anger and sadness flow through me. I had to keep myself from nearly shouting at the SF4 onlookers to shut the hell up and let me play my goddamned match, and I could feel depression from the fact that while everyone has been improving their game, I'm still stuck running my stupid patterns that I've had since the game came out.

It's harsh to see people adding new elements to their game while I remain in the dust. Ember had obviously re-enforced X's basics, Jeff's X had a couple of new combos and Oofmatic had added a few elements to Darth Vader's ring out game. It's also harsh to see a newcomer like Eli and his Ivy to be much better than I am in a much shorter duration of playing the game. But that's reality, my reality.

Is it possible to feel both hate and tears at the same time? It must be, 'cause I just did. Another pathetic performance as expected, I remember telling myself during the match. Stop trying to control things that you were not meant to control. Stop struggling and just let go. JUST LET GO. After such a long time, if you haven't improved, then why prolong your suffering? This is reality, know your place. You're too stupid to formulate your own attack patterns, lack the proper reflexes to see easy i1000 lows, and worst of all you haven't learned a damn thing. Keep mashing those buttons you scrub, you are only worth the $5 entry fee and nothing else!

And so I let go of it. When the second match of the set started, I let my control slip away. Just step guard, BB, AB, throw here and there, and so on. I fought hard, not to give a good match, but to hold my tears back from running down my face. I wonder if anyone could tell that I gave up. The match was recorded and the video will be posted soon. Obviously if I watched it, I could tell that I gave up and I could feel those feelings well up inside me again. But if anyone else watched it, I'm sure they'd congratulate Ember and wouldn't notice it. Heh, that's probably the best result I could hope for then.

The match was over and I uncomfortably sauntered to the back part of the room to let the next set of people to play their match. I had to hold back my tears as my mind raced, trying to comprehend what happened during those long 3 minutes of the second match. I've had these feelings of this intensity before, against Cha Cha during the Toronto regionals, and he just happened to be using X as well heh. It feels good to just let go. I don't have any power, never did and never will.

I glanced at the piece of paper that had the tournament bracket print-out. I was to play either Oofmatic or Stryder, whomever lost this match. I remember Dino said 'sorry about that' or something along those lines. Sorry about what, I instantly thought to myself. Once again, that's my reality, so man up and face the truth.

That's when I made the decision to lead off with Amy against the eventual loser of that match, Stryder. It's not quite clear to me why I did that. Heh, part of it was spite of course; spiting people is fun, even if it doesn't draw much of a reaction. The main reason though was that I was sick and tired of these constant losses. I was not good enough to use a character like Raphael. I've seen a lot of Amy in play though, and I was surprised that I even knew her setups and the notations for her attacks. Of course my execution would be ass and I'd still lose, but at least I had found a character who would suit my brainless pattern playstyle.

I know that there's a little 'joke respect' issue with Amy players. Some people simply don't respect them, especially the Raph players. But my thoughts drew me to cast off this notion. Fuck respect, I told myself. What good is it from others if I don't even respect myself for being such a piece of shit player? How about winning instead? I'm sure I'd get more respect if I beat a top player instead of sticking with Raph and losing, even if those wins were with Amy. Besides, I xcopied all my Raph crap so I might as well xcopy something that'll work, and even better that one of the strongest Toronto players, STD, uses Amy.

Enough of this dancing around with Raph. I want victory, I want power, I thought to myself. Of course, when the match with Stryder began, my Amy was shot down in the first match effortlessly. I was surprised to have even won a round. Still demoralized from before but recovering slowly, I switched back to Raph and let my expected loss flow naturally.

Time passes. I remember just sitting in place for the rest of the tourney, watching with slight disinterest while still trying to hold back my tears. My brain was broken. It's clear as crystal that I'm simply not good enough to compete in fighting games, no matter how much I enjoy them, how much I enjoy the idea of two people giving it their all to their eventual win or loss, while having a good time doing it. I can't even do that, I simply fall behind and can barely keep up while everyone sooner or later becomes a super god-tier player. Maybe it was time to quit fighting games for good.

But then I was faced with a decision which I haven't made up to this point in time. If I quit, then I might have regrets. But if I stay, there is a good chance that I will never improve and will always feel these feelings until I do quit for good. And there's that paper-thin chance that I could actually get some skill...hmph, like that's ever going to happen.

I still had to hold back tears as I headed home. My thoughts soon grew past SC4 and to other games. How about Virtual On? I have a 1:2 win/loss ratio, and most of those wins were against players who were either goofing off or new to the game. Or what about Raiden Fighters? I had to put in 50 hours just to get 32 million points in RF1, and that put me in first place on the Xbox North America leaderboards. But then the guy below me probably just scratched his head one day after seeing that I was on top and then effortlessly beats my score after 1 credit.

Soon after, my thoughts drifted to my future. I work at Best Buy, which doesn't really have much of an opportunity for growth. I'd need to go to school, but I don't really have any interests, nor would I be willing to do the hard work that would be required; I am a slacker. I don't have many talents or any redeeming attributes, except for maybe my average memory. I can't drive, cook, or do many things that many other humans can. Most of all, I can't learn on the level like many other humans do. And learning knowledge and skills is a key point of being a human, which I lack...

When I get home, I flopped on my couch in the living room. Luckily, no one was home. After holding it back for so long, I let my tears flow down my cheeks. I tried to laugh at myself, at my insignificant existence on this planet, in this weak body, with this feeble mind. I remember hearing something not quite resembling laughter, but rather short bursts of breath that sounded like someone with a poor respiratory system.

Just another day...nothing gained, nothing learned...