If it were only a few years in the past from now, I would be dreading the end of my summer break and the beginning of another school year. Heh, although for a slacker like me though, my free time doesn't end with the break. But I didn't really improve myself in those years with the experiences I had. I probably shouldn't be calling them experiences anyway, more like observations. Anyway...
Into the here and now. Summer break is nearing the end for most people. Not that I've realized it just now, but taking note of this little detail reminds me of how poorly I spend my time. Well, I know that perhaps one does not need to spend every moment improving one's self but I know I should be improving my current situation. And this is right about where that crappy opening paragraph setting the atmosphere about school kicks in. Sort of.
After my horrendous experience with that lame school that shan't be spoken of in this blog entry and failing to start a career, going to a 'real' school would seem to be one of my more desired options. But it didn't really catch on, as I did not feel like my chosen field, or any field at all, was interesting to pursue. And I wasn't competent, of course. Besides that, I still can't decide whether school is the right action to take.
I sized up this option as best I could and came to a few concluding thoughts, mainly about how determined I am to see to the end whatever I decide to major in. I know I'd definitely improve myself by going to school, but I feel that, given enough will and determination, I should be able to reach a satisfactory skill level in anything without the aid of school. That's when I made the decision that I'll only go back to school if I ever lose the drive for learning, for improving upon myself.
I can try and dabble in a few things at first, and then go all out if I feel the desire to reach a certain level. Like right now, I'm trying to learn to play another song on the piano, the Ruins theme from Brandish, a Nihon Falcom game. Maybe I'll learn more music theory if I feel up to the task. I might also try my hand again at drawn, and I need to improve other 'practical' skills such as cooking. It's embarrassing to have burned a side of steak...
But I also need to think about whether I want to start a career. Working at Best Buy is decent, especially since I don't really care about money. I know it isn't too fulfilling work and I sometimes feel I should carve a future for myself elsewhere. A career doesn't sound enticing to me however, as my interests seem to wane and wax with the moon. Of course, the only consistent thing throughout my life would have to be video games.
Well, maybe tournaments have the most potential to bring out the most in me. I have to take advantage and try to gain something, right now I don't think I'm doing all I can to improve. There's going to be a tourney in SF4 and KoFXII in Mississauga tomorrow (G3Evolution's Infinity HYPE I, get hype dammit!). I definitely did not train properly, and I still don't have my name out there in the Toronto community in the least bit. And then on Monday is the Shmup forums' yearly STGT, Shooting Game Tournament. Can't wait for that! I just need to get some drive...
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
In search of a sad soul
Sadness, hate, future, growth...bah, sorry to make it sound like I was going to write something profound but I guess I felt like I had to try. Whatever. It looks like I have come to a decision. That darkness I felt last week...I want to feel it again. I need to experience it again. Whether it's a negative or positive emotion, it must be the most intense one I've ever felt in my life.
It seems to lay dormant for most of the time, but then manages to break out with full force at usually unexpected moments of my life. The two previously described examples in my last entry were in Soulcalibur 4 tournament matches. Other times that it has happened were during social and celebratory events. And this intense feeling can overcome me when I'm alone, whether it's at night time on a weekend and I'm the only one at home, or by simply going to bed while trying to absorb the events of that day.
I wonder why I'm trying to seek out something that causes me pain and suffering that I've never felt before. Maybe it's because I really believe it, that I buy into the punishment that I deserve for leading such a pathetic life. I could also be looking for an answer for some sort of possible question that is buried within my subconscious. And also, deep inside I feel as if this intensity is a key to my personal growth as a human being. Probably not, but I can settle for the pain instead.
So, I decided that I won't quit fighting games. I do find them fun despite being so brainless and irreflexive. This coming Saturday is going to be another SC4 tourney with the SF crowd. Looks like there are a ton of people coming, especially now that the venue is at a sports bar in the Scarborough area. It's definitely gonna be a good time, and maybe I can find that intensity lying in wait for me there. I wonder if I can handle it this time...
And if I don't encounter that feeling, there's always alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!
It seems to lay dormant for most of the time, but then manages to break out with full force at usually unexpected moments of my life. The two previously described examples in my last entry were in Soulcalibur 4 tournament matches. Other times that it has happened were during social and celebratory events. And this intense feeling can overcome me when I'm alone, whether it's at night time on a weekend and I'm the only one at home, or by simply going to bed while trying to absorb the events of that day.
I wonder why I'm trying to seek out something that causes me pain and suffering that I've never felt before. Maybe it's because I really believe it, that I buy into the punishment that I deserve for leading such a pathetic life. I could also be looking for an answer for some sort of possible question that is buried within my subconscious. And also, deep inside I feel as if this intensity is a key to my personal growth as a human being. Probably not, but I can settle for the pain instead.
So, I decided that I won't quit fighting games. I do find them fun despite being so brainless and irreflexive. This coming Saturday is going to be another SC4 tourney with the SF crowd. Looks like there are a ton of people coming, especially now that the venue is at a sports bar in the Scarborough area. It's definitely gonna be a good time, and maybe I can find that intensity lying in wait for me there. I wonder if I can handle it this time...
And if I don't encounter that feeling, there's always alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Tears and Hate
Alright, so yesterday there was another Soulcalibur 4 tourney. I didn't really feel particularly pumped up or anything this time 'round, for whatever reason. Maybe it's because I've been into Virtual On and Raiden Fighters Aces instead. Maybe I was a little stressed out from work. Whatever the reason was, I walked into that familiar building wondering what I was doing there. Was I really there to waste my time and money yet again?
When I entered, the first noticeable thing was the noise level. After the release of Street Fighter 4 on consoles, this place was also running SF4 tournies, which of course has a truckload of participants. Not this time though, as Dino had made this a strictly SC4 event. The lost peacefulness of before was to be lost again though as people soon trickled in a few moments later to play some casual games in the back room.
So, we were warming up as usual, obviously so that we would be ready for the real thing and to pass the time as the rest of the participants arrived. Pretty soon, it's my turn. I haven't played the game in about 2 weeks, but I still know how to use Raphael like before. Unfortunately for me, that means all I know is to run old patterns, which would definitely mean another 0 win-2 loss result under my belt. So be it then, I'm simply getting what I deserve.
Time takes its course and the first round of matches begin. Mine is against Ember, whom I've faced a couple of times before, and I have a fair amount of experience against Xianghua in general. The last times against her, I won without difficulty once, then I struggled but came out on top in our next encounter. This time, I was to lose. I've lost a hell of a lot in these SC4 tournaments, having about 10 or more 0 win-2 loss results on my record. But this time, I was dragged into a downward spiral, much worse than what I've ever felt before.
The first match of the set was close, it went to the final round and she took the win. That's fine, I told myself, I just have to step it up now. But then, something overcame me. It's hard to describe for me, but I guess the closest thing is helplessness. Helplessness and self-hate. Why am I struggling so hard just to keep up? Do I really think I have a chance?
I was having a hard time thinking about my next move, and it got worse when some SF4 players came from the back room and started to cheer Ember on. Heh, I know that it was all out of fun to cheer on the female player, but during the match, I felt a peculiar anger and sadness flow through me. I had to keep myself from nearly shouting at the SF4 onlookers to shut the hell up and let me play my goddamned match, and I could feel depression from the fact that while everyone has been improving their game, I'm still stuck running my stupid patterns that I've had since the game came out.
It's harsh to see people adding new elements to their game while I remain in the dust. Ember had obviously re-enforced X's basics, Jeff's X had a couple of new combos and Oofmatic had added a few elements to Darth Vader's ring out game. It's also harsh to see a newcomer like Eli and his Ivy to be much better than I am in a much shorter duration of playing the game. But that's reality, my reality.
Is it possible to feel both hate and tears at the same time? It must be, 'cause I just did. Another pathetic performance as expected, I remember telling myself during the match. Stop trying to control things that you were not meant to control. Stop struggling and just let go. JUST LET GO. After such a long time, if you haven't improved, then why prolong your suffering? This is reality, know your place. You're too stupid to formulate your own attack patterns, lack the proper reflexes to see easy i1000 lows, and worst of all you haven't learned a damn thing. Keep mashing those buttons you scrub, you are only worth the $5 entry fee and nothing else!
And so I let go of it. When the second match of the set started, I let my control slip away. Just step guard, BB, AB, throw here and there, and so on. I fought hard, not to give a good match, but to hold my tears back from running down my face. I wonder if anyone could tell that I gave up. The match was recorded and the video will be posted soon. Obviously if I watched it, I could tell that I gave up and I could feel those feelings well up inside me again. But if anyone else watched it, I'm sure they'd congratulate Ember and wouldn't notice it. Heh, that's probably the best result I could hope for then.
The match was over and I uncomfortably sauntered to the back part of the room to let the next set of people to play their match. I had to hold back my tears as my mind raced, trying to comprehend what happened during those long 3 minutes of the second match. I've had these feelings of this intensity before, against Cha Cha during the Toronto regionals, and he just happened to be using X as well heh. It feels good to just let go. I don't have any power, never did and never will.
I glanced at the piece of paper that had the tournament bracket print-out. I was to play either Oofmatic or Stryder, whomever lost this match. I remember Dino said 'sorry about that' or something along those lines. Sorry about what, I instantly thought to myself. Once again, that's my reality, so man up and face the truth.
That's when I made the decision to lead off with Amy against the eventual loser of that match, Stryder. It's not quite clear to me why I did that. Heh, part of it was spite of course; spiting people is fun, even if it doesn't draw much of a reaction. The main reason though was that I was sick and tired of these constant losses. I was not good enough to use a character like Raphael. I've seen a lot of Amy in play though, and I was surprised that I even knew her setups and the notations for her attacks. Of course my execution would be ass and I'd still lose, but at least I had found a character who would suit my brainless pattern playstyle.
I know that there's a little 'joke respect' issue with Amy players. Some people simply don't respect them, especially the Raph players. But my thoughts drew me to cast off this notion. Fuck respect, I told myself. What good is it from others if I don't even respect myself for being such a piece of shit player? How about winning instead? I'm sure I'd get more respect if I beat a top player instead of sticking with Raph and losing, even if those wins were with Amy. Besides, I xcopied all my Raph crap so I might as well xcopy something that'll work, and even better that one of the strongest Toronto players, STD, uses Amy.
Enough of this dancing around with Raph. I want victory, I want power, I thought to myself. Of course, when the match with Stryder began, my Amy was shot down in the first match effortlessly. I was surprised to have even won a round. Still demoralized from before but recovering slowly, I switched back to Raph and let my expected loss flow naturally.
Time passes. I remember just sitting in place for the rest of the tourney, watching with slight disinterest while still trying to hold back my tears. My brain was broken. It's clear as crystal that I'm simply not good enough to compete in fighting games, no matter how much I enjoy them, how much I enjoy the idea of two people giving it their all to their eventual win or loss, while having a good time doing it. I can't even do that, I simply fall behind and can barely keep up while everyone sooner or later becomes a super god-tier player. Maybe it was time to quit fighting games for good.
But then I was faced with a decision which I haven't made up to this point in time. If I quit, then I might have regrets. But if I stay, there is a good chance that I will never improve and will always feel these feelings until I do quit for good. And there's that paper-thin chance that I could actually get some skill...hmph, like that's ever going to happen.
I still had to hold back tears as I headed home. My thoughts soon grew past SC4 and to other games. How about Virtual On? I have a 1:2 win/loss ratio, and most of those wins were against players who were either goofing off or new to the game. Or what about Raiden Fighters? I had to put in 50 hours just to get 32 million points in RF1, and that put me in first place on the Xbox North America leaderboards. But then the guy below me probably just scratched his head one day after seeing that I was on top and then effortlessly beats my score after 1 credit.
Soon after, my thoughts drifted to my future. I work at Best Buy, which doesn't really have much of an opportunity for growth. I'd need to go to school, but I don't really have any interests, nor would I be willing to do the hard work that would be required; I am a slacker. I don't have many talents or any redeeming attributes, except for maybe my average memory. I can't drive, cook, or do many things that many other humans can. Most of all, I can't learn on the level like many other humans do. And learning knowledge and skills is a key point of being a human, which I lack...
When I get home, I flopped on my couch in the living room. Luckily, no one was home. After holding it back for so long, I let my tears flow down my cheeks. I tried to laugh at myself, at my insignificant existence on this planet, in this weak body, with this feeble mind. I remember hearing something not quite resembling laughter, but rather short bursts of breath that sounded like someone with a poor respiratory system.
Just another day...nothing gained, nothing learned...
When I entered, the first noticeable thing was the noise level. After the release of Street Fighter 4 on consoles, this place was also running SF4 tournies, which of course has a truckload of participants. Not this time though, as Dino had made this a strictly SC4 event. The lost peacefulness of before was to be lost again though as people soon trickled in a few moments later to play some casual games in the back room.
So, we were warming up as usual, obviously so that we would be ready for the real thing and to pass the time as the rest of the participants arrived. Pretty soon, it's my turn. I haven't played the game in about 2 weeks, but I still know how to use Raphael like before. Unfortunately for me, that means all I know is to run old patterns, which would definitely mean another 0 win-2 loss result under my belt. So be it then, I'm simply getting what I deserve.
Time takes its course and the first round of matches begin. Mine is against Ember, whom I've faced a couple of times before, and I have a fair amount of experience against Xianghua in general. The last times against her, I won without difficulty once, then I struggled but came out on top in our next encounter. This time, I was to lose. I've lost a hell of a lot in these SC4 tournaments, having about 10 or more 0 win-2 loss results on my record. But this time, I was dragged into a downward spiral, much worse than what I've ever felt before.
The first match of the set was close, it went to the final round and she took the win. That's fine, I told myself, I just have to step it up now. But then, something overcame me. It's hard to describe for me, but I guess the closest thing is helplessness. Helplessness and self-hate. Why am I struggling so hard just to keep up? Do I really think I have a chance?
I was having a hard time thinking about my next move, and it got worse when some SF4 players came from the back room and started to cheer Ember on. Heh, I know that it was all out of fun to cheer on the female player, but during the match, I felt a peculiar anger and sadness flow through me. I had to keep myself from nearly shouting at the SF4 onlookers to shut the hell up and let me play my goddamned match, and I could feel depression from the fact that while everyone has been improving their game, I'm still stuck running my stupid patterns that I've had since the game came out.
It's harsh to see people adding new elements to their game while I remain in the dust. Ember had obviously re-enforced X's basics, Jeff's X had a couple of new combos and Oofmatic had added a few elements to Darth Vader's ring out game. It's also harsh to see a newcomer like Eli and his Ivy to be much better than I am in a much shorter duration of playing the game. But that's reality, my reality.
Is it possible to feel both hate and tears at the same time? It must be, 'cause I just did. Another pathetic performance as expected, I remember telling myself during the match. Stop trying to control things that you were not meant to control. Stop struggling and just let go. JUST LET GO. After such a long time, if you haven't improved, then why prolong your suffering? This is reality, know your place. You're too stupid to formulate your own attack patterns, lack the proper reflexes to see easy i1000 lows, and worst of all you haven't learned a damn thing. Keep mashing those buttons you scrub, you are only worth the $5 entry fee and nothing else!
And so I let go of it. When the second match of the set started, I let my control slip away. Just step guard, BB, AB, throw here and there, and so on. I fought hard, not to give a good match, but to hold my tears back from running down my face. I wonder if anyone could tell that I gave up. The match was recorded and the video will be posted soon. Obviously if I watched it, I could tell that I gave up and I could feel those feelings well up inside me again. But if anyone else watched it, I'm sure they'd congratulate Ember and wouldn't notice it. Heh, that's probably the best result I could hope for then.
The match was over and I uncomfortably sauntered to the back part of the room to let the next set of people to play their match. I had to hold back my tears as my mind raced, trying to comprehend what happened during those long 3 minutes of the second match. I've had these feelings of this intensity before, against Cha Cha during the Toronto regionals, and he just happened to be using X as well heh. It feels good to just let go. I don't have any power, never did and never will.
I glanced at the piece of paper that had the tournament bracket print-out. I was to play either Oofmatic or Stryder, whomever lost this match. I remember Dino said 'sorry about that' or something along those lines. Sorry about what, I instantly thought to myself. Once again, that's my reality, so man up and face the truth.
That's when I made the decision to lead off with Amy against the eventual loser of that match, Stryder. It's not quite clear to me why I did that. Heh, part of it was spite of course; spiting people is fun, even if it doesn't draw much of a reaction. The main reason though was that I was sick and tired of these constant losses. I was not good enough to use a character like Raphael. I've seen a lot of Amy in play though, and I was surprised that I even knew her setups and the notations for her attacks. Of course my execution would be ass and I'd still lose, but at least I had found a character who would suit my brainless pattern playstyle.
I know that there's a little 'joke respect' issue with Amy players. Some people simply don't respect them, especially the Raph players. But my thoughts drew me to cast off this notion. Fuck respect, I told myself. What good is it from others if I don't even respect myself for being such a piece of shit player? How about winning instead? I'm sure I'd get more respect if I beat a top player instead of sticking with Raph and losing, even if those wins were with Amy. Besides, I xcopied all my Raph crap so I might as well xcopy something that'll work, and even better that one of the strongest Toronto players, STD, uses Amy.
Enough of this dancing around with Raph. I want victory, I want power, I thought to myself. Of course, when the match with Stryder began, my Amy was shot down in the first match effortlessly. I was surprised to have even won a round. Still demoralized from before but recovering slowly, I switched back to Raph and let my expected loss flow naturally.
Time passes. I remember just sitting in place for the rest of the tourney, watching with slight disinterest while still trying to hold back my tears. My brain was broken. It's clear as crystal that I'm simply not good enough to compete in fighting games, no matter how much I enjoy them, how much I enjoy the idea of two people giving it their all to their eventual win or loss, while having a good time doing it. I can't even do that, I simply fall behind and can barely keep up while everyone sooner or later becomes a super god-tier player. Maybe it was time to quit fighting games for good.
But then I was faced with a decision which I haven't made up to this point in time. If I quit, then I might have regrets. But if I stay, there is a good chance that I will never improve and will always feel these feelings until I do quit for good. And there's that paper-thin chance that I could actually get some skill...hmph, like that's ever going to happen.
I still had to hold back tears as I headed home. My thoughts soon grew past SC4 and to other games. How about Virtual On? I have a 1:2 win/loss ratio, and most of those wins were against players who were either goofing off or new to the game. Or what about Raiden Fighters? I had to put in 50 hours just to get 32 million points in RF1, and that put me in first place on the Xbox North America leaderboards. But then the guy below me probably just scratched his head one day after seeing that I was on top and then effortlessly beats my score after 1 credit.
Soon after, my thoughts drifted to my future. I work at Best Buy, which doesn't really have much of an opportunity for growth. I'd need to go to school, but I don't really have any interests, nor would I be willing to do the hard work that would be required; I am a slacker. I don't have many talents or any redeeming attributes, except for maybe my average memory. I can't drive, cook, or do many things that many other humans can. Most of all, I can't learn on the level like many other humans do. And learning knowledge and skills is a key point of being a human, which I lack...
When I get home, I flopped on my couch in the living room. Luckily, no one was home. After holding it back for so long, I let my tears flow down my cheeks. I tried to laugh at myself, at my insignificant existence on this planet, in this weak body, with this feeble mind. I remember hearing something not quite resembling laughter, but rather short bursts of breath that sounded like someone with a poor respiratory system.
Just another day...nothing gained, nothing learned...
Friday, May 15, 2009
When will I ever start thinking for myself?
Guess I threw myself into the thick of it now. Currently, I'm trying to keep up some form of skill in 3 1v1 games: Street Fighter 4, Soulcalibur 4 and Virtual On: Oratorio Tangram. Not to mention that I'm STILL working on my Megaman Zero 2 100 point hard mode run and I picked up Raiden Fighters Aces, which is 3 shmups with some heavy memorization required to score high. I really want to give the new Bionic Commando a whirl when it gets released but I don't think I'll be able to try it soon, at least on the week of release.
Time isn't the problem though. With a part time job and no school, I have even more time to spend on any hobby compared to a high school student. All I need to do is work on my piss poor motivation and I can spend every moment improving instead of wondering why I'm so horrible despite having so much spare time to put in the hours. But I repeat myself, time isn't the problem. Motivation and self-esteem, slightly.
The main problem is one that also reflects upon my personality, and that is I fail to hold any original thoughts inside my mind. It's so painful to see myself having to be hand held through everything I do, whether I need help setting up some merchandise at work or looking up forums to find general strategies for characters in a fighting game. I simply cannot figure out things fast enough to be of any use to anyone or myself.
And whenever I copy something to use into my game, I am left with the tainted aura of whomever discovered the tactic first. And I obviously won't know the entireties of said tactic. While I continue to struggle trying to use this tactic, other people will have already developed defenses against it. If I ever master the execution of this single tactic, someone else will have already invented a bigger and better one.
Even with Raiden Fighters Aces, I find myself going straight for the scoring strategies that have taken people lots of time and work. And I haven't watched a replay yet, but I'm sure I will in a few days time when I hit another pathetic plateau. Once again, even if I copy every single detail in a superplay, I'll never be able to beat that score.
I never have anything interesting to say in a conversation, simply 'cause I don't have an opinion of my own. If I'm put on the spot to speak my mind, I usually just regurgitate whatever I have read popular opinion to be. Is Raphael mid-tier? He must be, such and such said he has these options to attack with but has these flaws. Is 9/11 a conspiracy? Yeah probably, there's all this evidence and that people found that point to it and stuff.
Maybe I should just resign myself to that fate that my intellect is severely limited and I can't ever hope to achieve anything, even if I work really hard at it. I'm just a stepping stone, a human that only serves to elevate another human's status. There are quite a lot of those, I'm sure. Of course, I can opt to fight the futile fight or just give up and know my place. Either way, I lack the power to change anything in this world.
Time isn't the problem though. With a part time job and no school, I have even more time to spend on any hobby compared to a high school student. All I need to do is work on my piss poor motivation and I can spend every moment improving instead of wondering why I'm so horrible despite having so much spare time to put in the hours. But I repeat myself, time isn't the problem. Motivation and self-esteem, slightly.
The main problem is one that also reflects upon my personality, and that is I fail to hold any original thoughts inside my mind. It's so painful to see myself having to be hand held through everything I do, whether I need help setting up some merchandise at work or looking up forums to find general strategies for characters in a fighting game. I simply cannot figure out things fast enough to be of any use to anyone or myself.
And whenever I copy something to use into my game, I am left with the tainted aura of whomever discovered the tactic first. And I obviously won't know the entireties of said tactic. While I continue to struggle trying to use this tactic, other people will have already developed defenses against it. If I ever master the execution of this single tactic, someone else will have already invented a bigger and better one.
Even with Raiden Fighters Aces, I find myself going straight for the scoring strategies that have taken people lots of time and work. And I haven't watched a replay yet, but I'm sure I will in a few days time when I hit another pathetic plateau. Once again, even if I copy every single detail in a superplay, I'll never be able to beat that score.
I never have anything interesting to say in a conversation, simply 'cause I don't have an opinion of my own. If I'm put on the spot to speak my mind, I usually just regurgitate whatever I have read popular opinion to be. Is Raphael mid-tier? He must be, such and such said he has these options to attack with but has these flaws. Is 9/11 a conspiracy? Yeah probably, there's all this evidence and that people found that point to it and stuff.
Maybe I should just resign myself to that fate that my intellect is severely limited and I can't ever hope to achieve anything, even if I work really hard at it. I'm just a stepping stone, a human that only serves to elevate another human's status. There are quite a lot of those, I'm sure. Of course, I can opt to fight the futile fight or just give up and know my place. Either way, I lack the power to change anything in this world.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Swift Strike
I'm still amazed by how the passage of time progresses so rapidly. Is it nearly April already? The sun is clearly shining in the daytime, but cold winds are still blowing though the open city streets. I hope I can enjoy the months of the new season.
As usual, another wasted minute becomes another wasted hour, day, week, et cetera. Even if I grew slowly but surely, it wouldn't be so bad, but right now it looks like all aspects of my life are severely imbalanced. At my workplace, I'm not doing too hot. I thought I would be satisfied when I heard I would be working in the merchandising department. It was all morning shifts so I could enjoy the day and it doesn't involve selling any products or services at all. Basically it was the department who did all the grunt work, moving product out onto the shelves, hauling overstocked items up top, and the like.
Getting up for 6 AM shifts didn't bother me, but after about a month of doing this stuff, I find myself growing increasingly unhappy. Heh, maybe it's 'cause selling stuff also had the upside of doing nothing when the floor's devoid of people. And it's nice to converse with co-workers and customers alike for a little while. Yup, balance is key...
My gaming skills aren't getting better. According to the play time counter, I took more than 25 hours to complete Resident Evil 5. I heard a couple of people saying they beat it in a weekend, so I guess I'm doing something wrong. Of course it didn't help that this was my first RE game and I started on Veteran difficulty. And halfway through my ongoing playthrough, I found RE5 to be a little boring and nearly lost the desire to go on. But I managed to overcome that strange feeling and found the game enjoyable overall.
I think I had one of those days...sometimes I just get a bout of depression and lose the will to do anything, especially gaming. I wonder where it stems from. I've always had some strange thoughts, like a different personality was to emerge from me. I look at my parents and see many similarities with my mother and father, and I look at myself to see what is truly inside me. But I can't find a definite answer. So I just continue being pathetic because it's all I know.
And sometimes, I'll get a burst of motivation which I hope could last longer or at least be more intensified then it is right now. There's another Soulcalibur 4 and Street Fighter 4 dual tourney coming up. My performance was pretty piss poor, and something inside of me wants vengeance. Not against my opponents though, but against myself. I'll try to make this one different, even if the result is the same.
Finally, I gotta get back to my Megaman Zero 2 run. It doesn't seem too bad with the double damage, it simply means I need to practice more in order to do a near-perfect no hit run, heh. Just gotta get into that groove...
As usual, another wasted minute becomes another wasted hour, day, week, et cetera. Even if I grew slowly but surely, it wouldn't be so bad, but right now it looks like all aspects of my life are severely imbalanced. At my workplace, I'm not doing too hot. I thought I would be satisfied when I heard I would be working in the merchandising department. It was all morning shifts so I could enjoy the day and it doesn't involve selling any products or services at all. Basically it was the department who did all the grunt work, moving product out onto the shelves, hauling overstocked items up top, and the like.
Getting up for 6 AM shifts didn't bother me, but after about a month of doing this stuff, I find myself growing increasingly unhappy. Heh, maybe it's 'cause selling stuff also had the upside of doing nothing when the floor's devoid of people. And it's nice to converse with co-workers and customers alike for a little while. Yup, balance is key...
My gaming skills aren't getting better. According to the play time counter, I took more than 25 hours to complete Resident Evil 5. I heard a couple of people saying they beat it in a weekend, so I guess I'm doing something wrong. Of course it didn't help that this was my first RE game and I started on Veteran difficulty. And halfway through my ongoing playthrough, I found RE5 to be a little boring and nearly lost the desire to go on. But I managed to overcome that strange feeling and found the game enjoyable overall.
I think I had one of those days...sometimes I just get a bout of depression and lose the will to do anything, especially gaming. I wonder where it stems from. I've always had some strange thoughts, like a different personality was to emerge from me. I look at my parents and see many similarities with my mother and father, and I look at myself to see what is truly inside me. But I can't find a definite answer. So I just continue being pathetic because it's all I know.
And sometimes, I'll get a burst of motivation which I hope could last longer or at least be more intensified then it is right now. There's another Soulcalibur 4 and Street Fighter 4 dual tourney coming up. My performance was pretty piss poor, and something inside of me wants vengeance. Not against my opponents though, but against myself. I'll try to make this one different, even if the result is the same.
Finally, I gotta get back to my Megaman Zero 2 run. It doesn't seem too bad with the double damage, it simply means I need to practice more in order to do a near-perfect no hit run, heh. Just gotta get into that groove...
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Another step toward mediocrity
Another wasted month spent in the retail industry by another wasted lower-end lifeform. Although I know a job does not define nor establish a person, I am not one to get in the way of so-called fate. Maybe I am pretty powerless, but I do believe that I have enough power to change what lies beyond for myself. I'm simply not motivated and I am not stressed out by my current circumstances. Even if I am viewed as a loser by others and even my inner self, I do not feel any pressure.
I can't quite find the words for it, but I guess the best way to describe it is accepting fate. I don't like to think the future is predetermined or that anyone is destined for anything, but we can only see so far into our current path. At this moment, I am unable to think about any beneficial choices I can make to 'improve' my life as society would see fit.
School? Don't think so. I believe learning is important, yes, but I don't feel motivated to focus on studying a single subject (heh, I'm not too keen on motivation anyway). And although it might be satisfying to gather all that knowledge, there's no guarantee that I will be able to apply it to something society deems useful. And why do I have to decide on one thing? I don't even know what I want to be, I know I just want to 'be', even if without meaning.
I'd just like to sit back and observe the world. Travelling and seeing new sights would be nice, but I find simply being to see from this soul's unique point of view is enough for me. Journalism might sit well with me, as I do like writing a fair amount. My technical writing skills just need some polish, but I'm quite worried about having an insightful opinion. Actually, forget about being insightful, I just need an opinion, heh.
I've always found myself enjoying other people's opinions and rants, though. Misinformed, inflamed, wise, sincere, professional, casual, et cetera. Even when I know little to nothing of the subject at hand, I almost always find the statements of their opinions interesting, as well as the possible discussion that follows. Damn, there's gotta be some money in that! Heh...
Anyway, enough of this. As usual, not too much has been happening in my life. I started to try lockpicking with a simple 5-pin doorknob lock I bought. I was successful in picking it after a few hours. It's quite a challenging hobby, that's for sure. I think there's enough material online for me to advance my knowledge, but I just need motivation of course! And maybe a few practice locks.
Street Fighter 4! Looks like I've decided on my main and secondary, Vega/claw and Cammy. It's quite a step up in the execution department, with combo links that require strict timing and such. The mindgames are there as with Soulcalibur 4, they simply look different though. But I'm quite worried about execution 'cause what good is a strategy or a bread and butter combo if ya can't put it into action? I really want something to replace Microsoft's 360 'pad'. I pre-ordered a pad from EB games but it still hasn't arrived yet. Though, I had a strange encounter with a Youtube commenter. Also a programmer extraordinare, this person offered to sell me a custom stick. I hope I can get that, all the 360 Hori RAPs I see are $250+ CAD!
EVO announced that SC4 is going to be in their list of games, and naturally, everyone's all hyped up about that! The Toronto players are no exception, and even a certain low-tier player would definitely enjoy heading down with the crowd. And it's in Vegas as well, which should be an interesting locale to visit. I just don't know if I should actually be travelling when I clearly don't have the skill to compete at a high level...
I can't quite find the words for it, but I guess the best way to describe it is accepting fate. I don't like to think the future is predetermined or that anyone is destined for anything, but we can only see so far into our current path. At this moment, I am unable to think about any beneficial choices I can make to 'improve' my life as society would see fit.
School? Don't think so. I believe learning is important, yes, but I don't feel motivated to focus on studying a single subject (heh, I'm not too keen on motivation anyway). And although it might be satisfying to gather all that knowledge, there's no guarantee that I will be able to apply it to something society deems useful. And why do I have to decide on one thing? I don't even know what I want to be, I know I just want to 'be', even if without meaning.
I'd just like to sit back and observe the world. Travelling and seeing new sights would be nice, but I find simply being to see from this soul's unique point of view is enough for me. Journalism might sit well with me, as I do like writing a fair amount. My technical writing skills just need some polish, but I'm quite worried about having an insightful opinion. Actually, forget about being insightful, I just need an opinion, heh.
I've always found myself enjoying other people's opinions and rants, though. Misinformed, inflamed, wise, sincere, professional, casual, et cetera. Even when I know little to nothing of the subject at hand, I almost always find the statements of their opinions interesting, as well as the possible discussion that follows. Damn, there's gotta be some money in that! Heh...
Anyway, enough of this. As usual, not too much has been happening in my life. I started to try lockpicking with a simple 5-pin doorknob lock I bought. I was successful in picking it after a few hours. It's quite a challenging hobby, that's for sure. I think there's enough material online for me to advance my knowledge, but I just need motivation of course! And maybe a few practice locks.
Street Fighter 4! Looks like I've decided on my main and secondary, Vega/claw and Cammy. It's quite a step up in the execution department, with combo links that require strict timing and such. The mindgames are there as with Soulcalibur 4, they simply look different though. But I'm quite worried about execution 'cause what good is a strategy or a bread and butter combo if ya can't put it into action? I really want something to replace Microsoft's 360 'pad'. I pre-ordered a pad from EB games but it still hasn't arrived yet. Though, I had a strange encounter with a Youtube commenter. Also a programmer extraordinare, this person offered to sell me a custom stick. I hope I can get that, all the 360 Hori RAPs I see are $250+ CAD!
EVO announced that SC4 is going to be in their list of games, and naturally, everyone's all hyped up about that! The Toronto players are no exception, and even a certain low-tier player would definitely enjoy heading down with the crowd. And it's in Vegas as well, which should be an interesting locale to visit. I just don't know if I should actually be travelling when I clearly don't have the skill to compete at a high level...
Friday, January 30, 2009
Another year, another...DirectX? Uh yeah, I guess that'll work.
Yet another month, yet another day, no end in sight, nothing significant to say. Where am I going from here and when will I get there? How the hell should I know and why the hell should I care? Heh...
Looks like I got past the seasonal contract date with Best Buy and now am a part time worker there. The job's not bad and the pay's decent. Now if I only knew what to make of my financial status, now that I actually have one. Money tends to complicate things, which is probably why I'm rather loose with it. I might have to actually figure out how to do taxes now and any investment options I can take. Hopefully it won't be too painful.
I'm wondering if I should go back to school though, or at least take a second look at the computer science/video game design field I abandoned. Yeah the International Academy of Design is a painful memory, and the job hunt was fruitless. But coding was something I enjoyed, even though I obviously wasn't very good. I'm still with Phase 3 but I haven't been motivated to do any work, which might lead me to believe that I have turned my back on a career in said field. But when a former classmate and good friend approaches me to do a small project on an iPhone, I feel ready and willing to learn to work with the Mac platform. Heh, maybe it's just the poor management at P3, which is also one of the reasons I've avoided logging onto MSN Messenger recently.
Whatever the case may be, I don't think I've quit on it just yet. But at the same time, I also find it hard to get into other things. I was attempting to learn the art of lockpicking. Having received the necessary materials to get me started, I find myself not actually starting to learn, one of the main reasons being that I don't know where to start. I mean, there's loads of info on the next, forums, etc., but I don't see a definite starting point. Maybe I just need more motivation. A book would probably help. I don't want any formal training yet though, I want to see how far I can get.
I finished my Megaman Zero 100 point hard mode run in mid December. It's about time, huh? After months of failure, it's done. And the cycle will soon repeat itself with MMZ2. I think I'll be starting on that maybe mid-February at the latest. Maybe I won't succumb to shaky nerves this time, now that I know what to expect when undertaking such a task.
Having only played the last game in the series, Onimusha: Dawn of Dreams, I've also picked up the Onimusha essentials collection. I finished the first game and I'm nearly done the second it seems, but I probably won't play the Critical/Issen mode at first. Can't wait to get started on the third one, after glancing at the box art to see that one of the characters is modelled after Jean Reno! Hahaha, that's awesome! What's not awesome though is my failure to do issens...
Still playing Soulcalibur 4 and sucking (blood) with Raph. Having participated at the Toronto regionals, it's painfully clear that I will not improve any more than I am right now. No amount of theory or casual matches will fix this. And what's even worse is that I dislike playing online, which could also be stunting my growth as a player.
Oh well, I still like fighting games anyway. Like 'em enough to try my hand at Street Fighter 4. I don't know if I'll be dedicated to that game as I am with SC4. It doesn't look like I will though, seeing as how I could be playing it at Lovegety Station but I'm not. Well, it is a pain to get there without a car 'cause public transportation leaves you at a fair distance from there.
Looks like I got past the seasonal contract date with Best Buy and now am a part time worker there. The job's not bad and the pay's decent. Now if I only knew what to make of my financial status, now that I actually have one. Money tends to complicate things, which is probably why I'm rather loose with it. I might have to actually figure out how to do taxes now and any investment options I can take. Hopefully it won't be too painful.
I'm wondering if I should go back to school though, or at least take a second look at the computer science/video game design field I abandoned. Yeah the International Academy of Design is a painful memory, and the job hunt was fruitless. But coding was something I enjoyed, even though I obviously wasn't very good. I'm still with Phase 3 but I haven't been motivated to do any work, which might lead me to believe that I have turned my back on a career in said field. But when a former classmate and good friend approaches me to do a small project on an iPhone, I feel ready and willing to learn to work with the Mac platform. Heh, maybe it's just the poor management at P3, which is also one of the reasons I've avoided logging onto MSN Messenger recently.
Whatever the case may be, I don't think I've quit on it just yet. But at the same time, I also find it hard to get into other things. I was attempting to learn the art of lockpicking. Having received the necessary materials to get me started, I find myself not actually starting to learn, one of the main reasons being that I don't know where to start. I mean, there's loads of info on the next, forums, etc., but I don't see a definite starting point. Maybe I just need more motivation. A book would probably help. I don't want any formal training yet though, I want to see how far I can get.
I finished my Megaman Zero 100 point hard mode run in mid December. It's about time, huh? After months of failure, it's done. And the cycle will soon repeat itself with MMZ2. I think I'll be starting on that maybe mid-February at the latest. Maybe I won't succumb to shaky nerves this time, now that I know what to expect when undertaking such a task.
Having only played the last game in the series, Onimusha: Dawn of Dreams, I've also picked up the Onimusha essentials collection. I finished the first game and I'm nearly done the second it seems, but I probably won't play the Critical/Issen mode at first. Can't wait to get started on the third one, after glancing at the box art to see that one of the characters is modelled after Jean Reno! Hahaha, that's awesome! What's not awesome though is my failure to do issens...
Still playing Soulcalibur 4 and sucking (blood) with Raph. Having participated at the Toronto regionals, it's painfully clear that I will not improve any more than I am right now. No amount of theory or casual matches will fix this. And what's even worse is that I dislike playing online, which could also be stunting my growth as a player.
Oh well, I still like fighting games anyway. Like 'em enough to try my hand at Street Fighter 4. I don't know if I'll be dedicated to that game as I am with SC4. It doesn't look like I will though, seeing as how I could be playing it at Lovegety Station but I'm not. Well, it is a pain to get there without a car 'cause public transportation leaves you at a fair distance from there.
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